A Good Start

I’m allowing myself to feel a bit smug this weekend as my first 'proper’ week of 2019 went better than I thought possible. I think I already felt more confident because the first week of the year allowed me to get a lot of rest and recover my strength.

This week was when I returned to volunteering, to the gym, to ‘real life’ again. I volunteered on Monday and Friday, as planned, and got so much work done that I surprised myself. I think having a two-week break from it was exactly what I needed to be able to make a comeback and smash it.

What surprised me more was my sudden motivation to fulfil my exercise goals. I exercised every single day this week - I went to the gym and did my workout (which includes strength training and cardio, using my whole body) on Monday, Wednesday and Friday; on Tuesday I did a beginner’s yoga routine and attended physio; and on Thursday I followed an upper body workout video by FitnessBlender.

As a result of this utter madness, I am sore all over and my muscles don’t know what’s hit them. I also appear to have developed tendonitis on the top of my left foot, which is really painful and inconvenient. I’ve used the weekend to rest it and it’s gotten a bit better, so I hope it won’t become an Ongoing Thing. On a more positive note, my abs are sore for the first time in probably my entire life, which means they must’ve been working enough this week to make a difference. I also had an amazing revelation on Friday – I wasn’t absolutely dreading the gym! I won’t lie to you and say I was excited for it, but it’s just become another thing on the ‘to do’ list. Nothing to be alarmed about. And for me that is such a huge step in the right direction. I can only hope that I continue to feel neutral about it. I daren’t hope that I might enjoy it someday.

My new approach to eating has also been successful so far. I eat less at breakfast and lunch, and make sure to have vegetables and protein in my dinner. I have one treat (one piece of chocolate, one Jaffa Cake, etc), but this is only until my Christmas chocolate runs out, and then I won’t be buying more. I am still going to allow myself to have treats every now and then, but I’m being much stricter about it. I’m not counting calories, but I’d honestly be surprised if I was currently eating more than 1500 a day. And I think this, combined with my water intake going up again, is making me feel better already. I’m so incredibly worn out from the busy week, but I feel really proud of myself for being so productive.

At the moment, my naturally pessimistic brain is wondering how long it’ll be until I burn out, but I’m quite happy to ride the wave of feeling accomplished until that happens. Maybe it won’t. I can only hope!

I’m trying to get back into the habit of writing, which is why I decided to post this blog despite continually reminding myself that this is only interesting to me. Writing for an audience isn’t a priority at the moment; writing for myself and getting the writing bug back is my more reasonable goal for now.

Why I Suck At Blogging

I am crap at blogging. I post once every few months at best, and even then my posts are pretty mediocre and uninteresting. When I think about getting back into it, I just feel like I have to, and that’s the worst for any kind of inspiration or creativity.

This is a relatively new phenomenon, if you can call the last 3-4 years ‘new’. I used to write all the time, without much thought or censorship. It’s a bit cringey to look back on now, but it had feeling and charm. I wrote a lot of fiction (including fanfic, GET OVER IT), and blogged more or less daily about my little life because things were fun and funny. I don’t know, I guess I thought people gave a crap about what I did that day and my opinions. Ah, the folly of youth. As an adult, though, I find myself feeling more and more insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

I have kept journals, off and on, since I was about 12. Most of them have been burned to cinders or shredded by now (purging the negativity was cathartic af), but I still write in a journal as and when the mood takes me. Most of that is insanely depressing and ranty and not something that would entertain, interest, or inform anybody else. I’m working on including positive and funny things in the journal too and being more realistic about life, but that’s a Work In (Slow) Progress.

So the question I ask myself is: Why do I absolutely suck at blogging now?

I can think of a few reasons, all of which sound like excuses to myself. Maybe putting them out there will make it easier for me to think about and tackle them. Maybe someone will have some advice for me (hint hint).

There’s nothing going on in my life – everything feels stupid and empty, and I have nothing to comment on or talk about. When something does happen (like Heroes & Villains, or the Harry Potter Studio Tour last year), I will write about it, but my life isn’t interesting enough to make this a regular thing.

Depression and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome don’t help at all. I become uninspired and unmotivated. I also feel like literally no one would care about what I have to say, which is probably mostly true but I’m sure some people might read my waffle. I occasionally write short, short things about my life on my tumblr, stuff that I can’t stretch into a ‘real’ blog, and it gets little response. But writing the stuff down helps, and writing it online makes me feel like I have some kind of outlet where people can hear me.

I’m a lot pickier about my writing and content than I was when I was writing blogs daily. Before, it was a free-for-all, writing about my day and whatever the hell came into my head at the time. But I’m ~grown~ now, and I want people to actually read my writing. I’m not just writing for myself now. It’s hard to come up with ideas when you feel you have to write things of substance all the time.

Putting myself on a schedule has a phenomenally negative effect on my productivity. I just stop functioning! Writing becomes a chore and yet another thing to beat myself up about. I know one of the key features of a successful blog is consistency, and I am not even slightly consistent with anything, really. Maybe I can make it seem like a cute quirk, but I doubt it.

I have no photos of anything anymore (see the ‘nothing happening’ point), and if I do they’re not great quality. All I have to work with is my phone – I would love to have a fancy expensive camera, but at the moment that’s not feasible. I used to take photos constantly and yes, they were crap quality, but they had spirit dammit!

I’m hoping as I recover, and as my life becomes more interesting/fulfilling (lol), I’ll get back to a place where I can write with some regularity and write about interesting things. I do have a knack for writing, but natural talent only gets you so far. Without practice, you stagnate, which I think is what’s happening here. I’m trying my best to start practicing again – writing something, anything, most days. It’s a slow process but I hope that I’ll get back into the groove and that writing will come more easily again, like it used to. Meanwhile, if anyone has any tips or advice for me, I’d love to hear it. Seriously.

I’ll be back again in another few months, probably.

I Deleted My Website

After months of considering it, I've shut down my website. My reasoning was really simple. I got the website to host my blog on, and then had gotten some terrible writer's block (which is not unusual for me). That coupled with a new bout of depression just knocked me for six and I started feeling panicky and guilty whenever I thought about my website. I'd paid for it and it was just sitting there, not being updated, not even being looked at. I couldn't gather the strength to write posts, or think of ideas, or anything.

Blogging also became a chore, something to worry about. I used to enjoy it. Then I was holding myself up to ridiculous standards that I couldn't meet, all because I'd spent money on it. I know eventually that I will have to have a proper website, if I want to get anywhere with the blogging thing. But trying to force something that you're not ready or willing to do isn't the way to go about it either.

It took a long time to admit that I was wasting the money, that maybe I'm not ready to have an actual paid-for blog yet. I tend to worry that people who don't have a shiny domain to host their blog don't get taken seriously. But I have to be a bit selfish at the moment and consider what's best for me. I know I won't be updating consistently, so coming back to Blogspot and 'casual' blogging is the better option at the moment. Hopefully people will continue to read my posts and understand that I still want to blog.

Honestly, I feel so much better now. I feel like it won't matter if I'm having a block, or creative drought, or whatever. Because I can come back to it when I'm ready, and that's so important. I won't make any promises as to when I'll be posting, or what, but I hope it's soon.

Two Weeks Later

I've been so focused on being organised and productive that I haven't written a blog for two weeks. I have, however, been keeping some rough notes of what to write here today. I will allow myself to feel okay about not posting - as I said in my previous post, I'm trying to be nicer to myself. I'm doing pretty well with it, and I find I'm feeling a lot calmer for it. This may seem totally obvious to most people, but being a pessimist with zero self-esteem hinders one's ability to be compassionate toward oneself. The way I'm re-calibrating my knee-jerk thoughts of you're rubbish at everything and also useless, is to think about what I would say to a friend who was feeling this way. I would never speak to a friend how I speak to myself, and really... If you can't be your own friend, you tend to get into a vicious cycle of self-blame and punishment. Not productive at all. Anyway, here are the highlights of the past two weeks!

Again in my previous post, I mentioned that I'd finally started to learn hieroglyphics from this book:

I've been trying to look at the book a few times a week, and make notes on what I'm reading. I do a couple of sections at a time to absorb the information effectively. I'm absolutely crap at drawing the symbols, so no ancient Pharaoh would be able to read my hieroglyphs, but it's super interesting and exciting to learn. Obviously the book is for total beginners, so it teaches you enough to unscramble the meanings of famous stelas and monuments. It would be cool to take it further when I'm done, or even learn it 'officially' if I can find a course.

Last Saturday was a busy, but lovely, day. In the afternoon, I went with Mum and Martin to meet Liam, Ashleigh, and Ethan at the Marlborough Mop. The Mop is a fair in the High Street of Marlborough that started out as a job-seeking fair in 1204. Obviously it's changed a lot from 812 years ago - now it's just a standard semi-rural fair with carnival rides and stalls, but it still attracts lots of visitors. We had a nice time strolling around and watching the rides. I was brave enough to carry Ethan on my shoulders for a while, and it was so cute to listen to him chuckling away as I danced him down the street. Liam took him on a little hot air balloon-themed ride, and Ashleigh showed him the Hall of Mirrors. He seemed to have a good time, and was tottering around everywhere taking in all the sights. Martin won him a ball from the Hook A Duck game, which Ethan was pleased with.

Later on Saturday evening, I went to the reception of Leanne's wedding. I debuted a new lipstick that I got aaaaages ago ('Smother' by Sleek - it's a lovely dark pinky-purple colour, and I fell in love with it instantly), and I actually looked super cute for the first time in forever.

The wedding was adorable. They'd decorated it all in autumn colours - Leanne's bouquet was orange and purple, as were the flowers on the centrepieces. Even the confetti on the tables were red/orange/brown and in the shape of leaves. All of the signs were chalkboards in shabby-chic white frames, and there was a table with pick'n'mix sweets spilling out of teacups and apothecary jars.

Aishah and Natalie also came to the wedding, which was exciting! I hadn't seen either of them for ages (Aishah never has a shift at the same time as me, and Natalie has left to go to university), and it was nice to hang out with them and have a chatter. Here we are with the lovely bride, right before the first dance:

The first dance was lovely. Leanne and Lee smiled and laughed all the way through and looked so happy - Natalie was immediately tearing up, as I predicted. I was laughing because Leanne had discarded her wedding heels and was wearing a little pair of Vans sneakers. Only she could pull that off at her wedding. I took this cute photo of their feet as they danced, because of said sneakers.

They had such great food in the buffet, and a brilliant live band. There was also a photobooth where you could put on props and take silly photos. Aishah, Natalie and I tried this out and took some pretty terrible photos (we kept forgetting to wait for the flash and moving at the last second).

It was a nice evening, and I'm glad I decided to go out. I love weddings anyway, they're always so much fun and a lovely atmosphere. Last Sunday I was useless all day, though, because of how busy the previous day had been.

On Wednesday (skipping far ahead here, because there's not been lots going on besides working and organising) I helped Mum with Ethan as she had tonnes of stuff to get sorted out before her, Martin and Ryan left for Australia. I took him to the park and we took some cute selfies....

He was in a really good mood all day, really giggly and playful. At lunch time, he kept trying to offer his food to Sirius who had come out of his house at the smell of food. Then he was holding the lid of his lunchbox over his face and peeking out around it, playing Peepo with me. Every time I said "Peepo!" or "Boo!" he would laugh so hard. He also laughed every time I even looked at him. It really cheered me up to spend time with him and Mum, it was another busy day but it was nice and put me in a good mood.

I mentioned Australia before. Mum, Martin, Nan and Ryan left on Thursday so I have the house to myself for a month. It's weird and quiet, but I'm quite enjoying feeling like a Real Adult. Continuing my mad organisation skills, I'm drawing up meal plans for the weeks to come. This is also to make sure I eat properly too, can't be going back to the terrible uni diet. Because I'm being organised and being more mindful of everything I do (including eating, hydration and exercise), I have lost 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks. Not much, but it's a start. I'm hoping I can continue steadily losing weight as I get used to my new routine and adding more activity to my schedule. I'm feeling weirdly positive about all of this, I think because I'm a very visual person and having my charts and lists in front of me in order to actually see progress is so helpful.

Today, I tidied and cleaned the house despite being incredibly tired and achy. I'm counting that as a little win too.

Organising Life

I've been feeling terrible for most of this year; not as much as last year, but still enough for it to be affecting me negatively. I've been depressed and increasingly anxious, and the exhaustion that has plagued me for almost three years has exacerbated that, as well as messing with my life in general. I have to be proactive about this, and I'm done lying around and wallowing. I don't know how long this new burst of motivation will last (knowing my track record, not very long), but while it's here I'm going to try to make some new habits, and break some old ones. It already seems to be working and I only really started four days ago.

I took some inspiration from the concept of 'bullet journalling'. Here is a website all about it, from the guy who made the whole thing up. It's apparently taking the world by storm, and people are loving their bullet journals. Basically, your journal becomes a combination of everything - scrapbook, diary, planner, idea jotter, sketchbook, etc. It's an organised but creative way to journal, and some people's creations are absolutely stunning. Check it out on Pinterest to see what I mean! I'm not exactly rigidly following the bullet journal thing, because a) I would get too annoyed if I couldn't get my pages looking how I wanted (which is my main struggle with scrapbooking!), and b) I'm not nearly good enough at art/handwriting to make a gorgeous journal that is also a work of art.

Instead, I've just taken some of the elements of it and started incorporating it into my bog-standard, write-all-your-thoughts-messily-and-maniacally journal. I've mostly borrowed the idea of charting various parts of my life, to track habits and behaviours. I also wrote down a bunch of list subjects and page ideas to add to my journal. I'm practicing drawing nice fonts, which I'm not fabulous at yet, but hope to improve. I already have a weekly desk pad to write a schedule on, so I'm not making any fancy bullet journal week spreads yet. Who knows, though. I might start.

So, my organising bug has manifested in the following ways so far:

• Charts like the one below, which is a 'habit tracker' - you write down things you want to make a habit of (or stop doing) and you colour in every day you've achieved those things. It's good because I'm now more aware of what I'm doing with my time, and actively trying to refrain from continuing bad habits. Next month I may expand on the habits - I'm considering starting bedtime yoga again, as it's good for my achy muscles. My chart may seem like there are a lot of gaps, but (leaving aside the fact that everything up to October 10th isn't filled in, because there's no point trying to remember what you did/felt on previous days) some of the items on there - like my hieroglyphics practice and going for a walk - aren't things I want to do every day. I have to make sure I'm not pushing myself too much, as I have limited energy and mustn't make things harder for myself by becoming exhausted.
  
  

  

  Casual Iwako panda holding the page down for me.

  
  
• I'm also tracking my mood and my symptoms. I find this interesting, as I may be able to spot patterns/potential triggers for any of my conditions. It's also just a good way to see how I'm doing, in general, and remembering that not every day is terrible.
  
  
• A weight-loss tracker (I'm not happy to share my current weight because it gives me the blues), and I think it will be helpful because I have my goals in front of me, and every time I lose a few pounds, I get to colour in a square and actually see what I've achieved, as it's not often noticeable in the mirror until you've lost a lot. I'm also considering a savings tracker, as I have a few things to save for like: my London work experience; going to the Heroes & Villains fest (and meeting Robin!!) in May; and if I ever want a holiday abroad ever again.
  
  
• Writing down all of the things I'd like to learn/study, so that - when I'm done with my beginners' hieroglyphics - I can begin to tackle other things. I think learning is so incredibly important, and continuing to have wonder and curiosity no matter your age is really positive. I'm at my happiest when I learn or experience something new, so I feel like I need to reintroduce learning into my life.
  
  
• Many, many lists on many, many subjects. Just a few examples are: the books I've read in 2016 (which I will probably post here at the end of year); an 'any time' list - basically a to do list, but with items that don't have a particular deadline, just 'as soon as possible', basically; a checklist for my pending blog overhaul; etc. I'm thinking of doing some fun lists too, like my favourite books or fictional characters.
  
  
• Moving away from the journalling thing, I've also been researching M.E. and Fibromyalgia in order to understand more about both conditions (as I still don't have a solid diagnosis, obviously) and how I can help myself to feel better, as well as what kind of treatment options I would have. As far as I can tell, it's mostly a management of symptoms, as there's no cure or magic pill for either of them. Pain management and learning to use your energy more sparingly/efficiently are the keys to living with M.E. or Fibro, and I feel I'm on a more solid foundation now that I've read various papers on the subject.
  
  
• I've also, after being begged by Susie and my mother, got an appointment with the doctor on October 21st, to talk about everything that's been happening with me lately, to expand on the appointment I had in Bath (also to get a bit of clarification), and discuss possible med changes and seek any advice she might have for me.

Weirdly enough, I'm more organised and more productive now that I'm making a conscious effort not to beat myself up if I don't get a day's 'to do' list done. I'm trying to be more mindful, and kinder to myself. I've been so mean to me for so long, I need to start treating myself a bit better. And it's clearly helping, because this week I've noticed that the things I don't get done tend to get done a day or two after, if I don't do it on the day I picked. Obviously things like work, appointments, and deadlines aren't included in this new easygoing attitude, as they're actually fixed and important. It's more like - if I don't do my studying today, I will do it tomorrow, or the day after, and that's okay. I'm liking this way of thinking a lot more. Instead of berating myself for being 'lazy' or 'useless', I'm trying to say 'ok you were tired, you didn't get around to it, you got busy with something else - you can do it when you have more energy, don't worry'.

Doing all of this mad organisation stuff has resulted in a pretty substantial blog post here, which hasn't happened for a while! It also means that I'm remembering to take medication, staying hydrated, reading every day, getting outside for fresh air/exercise, and trying not to nap during the day. I also finally started studying hieroglyphs, so I'm hoping this new ~organised~ me will continue to finish things that I've started. Like my travel scrapbook that I've touched once since I meant to start it in 2014. Or my BLOG OVERHAUL that I've been talking about on here for bloody months. I am, as I type, coming up with a mental checklist (that I'll write in my journal!) of what I need to do for my blog overhaul, and I will do it bits at a time instead of stressing myself trying to do the whole lot in one day. I'm hoping that'll kickstart my drive to finish it. So if things start a look a little weird on here, it's just me messing around with the blog and trying to make it into something that interests me again.

If you got through this whole post, well done and thank you for taking an interest. I'm actually feeling positive about these new things, and I hope I will stick to these new organisational ways and become more productive, less tired, and just happier.

Blood, Birthday & Bristol

Once again I've gone over two weeks without updating this blog. God, no wonder I never get anything done - I can't even stick to a weekly post! Quite a few things have happened since my last post.

I'll start at March 31st. I went to donate blood again, for the first time in quite a while. I didn't realise until I received an updated donor card in the mail that that was my fifth donation! I've successfully given about half a human body's worth of blood. I'm also reassured that my iron levels are healthy, or they wouldn't have let me donate.

I found out the next day that I had lost four pounds in two weeks. I am still slightly suspicious of the scales, seeing as I weighed myself on April Fool's, so it was probably lying. But I'm pretty pleased with myself considering I wasn't trying especially hard to lose anything. I think getting back to drinking plenty of water, eating three meals, sleeping better, and moving around more is paying off all by itself. Imagine what a little effort on my part could do.

On April 6th, I had a mini birthday with my Dad. We went to Costa for lunch (where I tried the mango & passionfruit cooler - delicious!) and while we were in town, I got some more hair dye too. My roots are ridiculous, and I'm hoping Kim can come cut my hair soon so I can not look like Stig of the Dump. I saw my Nan for a while, which was nice as I've not seen her for ages. Then Dad, Kath and I had pizza and chips from the kebab shop and it was glorious. They gave me my presents and some birthday money (as well as the Easter eggs Dad forgot to give me the week before). I got a fancy handmade wine glass, a bottle of wine, Go Set A Watchman by Harper Lee, and a few other cute bits and pieces. The birthday high began at this point.

My birthday was brilliant too. I was woken up by Ryan before he went to work and he gave me my present from him - an apron with a zombie in a chef's hat on it and the words 'The Baking Dead'. It's so funny and it will accompany me on my baking adventures. I got some nice presents from Mum and Martin, as well as a bunch more birthday money from various relatives. Mum and I went to get Caz (where I got a few more presents from Kate, Caz, and Susie!) and we went to Frankie & Benny's for lunch. I was disappointed in how downhill our branch of it has gone. The cutlery was filthy, service was sluggish, and it just wasn't as good as it used to be. I was gutted, because I hadn't been for ages and was really looking forward to it. Later, I was so full that I just slobbed around on my bed for the rest of the afternoon. In the evening, Mum and I had a few drinks.

Also, Mum got me a Star Wars cake:

Saturday was brilliant. Susie and I went to Bristol; on the train there, we decided to have a flutter on the Grand National and bet on a few horses in the race later that day. It was raining when we got there, which sucked, so we holed up in Patisserie Valerie. I had a hot chocolate and a slice of Black Forest gateau. Heaven! It took us some time to get going again because we were in sugar comas.

We took a turn around a few clothes shops, but of course I found nothing that I liked enough to buy. That's always the way when I have birthday money or similar; I want everything until I have the money to spend, and then everything is awful. We then walked down to our favourite chip shop in Bristol, Catch-22, and had the best chips and curry sauce. Out of the window, we could see the Marriott where a wedding party was having photos taken; the bride looked so pretty and the happiness was contagious. I love weddings.

The weather was still crap, so we went to the Watershed, an indie cinema near the waterfront. We watched High Rise, and it was brilliant! So funny and incredibly surreal. Tom Hiddleston was brilliant, and absolutely gorgeous, and the movie also contains one of my ultimate old-man crushes, Jeremy Irons. Susie and I were laughing about the movie for the rest of the day. I would recommend you go see it if you enjoy sex, violence, and surreal movies that serve as a metaphor for one man's nervous breakdown, and how easily society could collapse if we let it. So good!

We had a cocktail in the McKenzie's at Bristol, which we were not impressed with. Susie's Cosmo was warm, the service took ages, and the 2-for-1 offer suddenly didn't apply to anything except for one drink. It was frustrating, and I can't believe I've found a business that's better in Swindon than Bristol, but our McKenzie's is so much better. Another reason our visit there was crap was because I live streamed updates on the Guardian website to keep up with the Grand National and one of the horses we bet on came second. How annoying is that?? We were pretty gutted because we could have gotten a decent bit of money - our horse's odds were 12/1.

The Bootlegger was our next stop. We had a couple of drinks there, and Susie's friend Andy joined us. He's a misanthropic PhD student and he's lovely. He was a good addition to our little group. We went to another pub down the road, that I don't remember the name of. It had taxidermy everywhere, and was lively and crowded. I enjoyed it. We had some drinks there, before we had to get going for the train home. We stopped at Sainsbury's to grab a bit of food and mini bottles of Prosecco for the journey. Yes, we drank it on the train like chavs.

Back in Swindon, we decided the night wasn't quite over, and went to McKenzie's. Several frozen daiquiris later, we were exhausted and ready to get to bed. So I got a cab home and promptly passed out in bed. I had such a good time in Bristol, and I'm glad the weather cleared up a bit towards the evening (when we came out from the cinema the sun was shining and most of the clouds had gone). However, this past week I've eaten mostly crap, and I'm totally feeling it. I feel physically rough and incredibly tired - I need to get back to eating normally and drinking plenty of water. It's quite amazing how you notice how much junk food affects your body if you cut down on it for a while.

I've been coughing and spluttering since last Tuesday, which is just fab because I've only just gotten over the crap virus I had after getting back from Berlin. I keep needing to clear my throat and it's annoying me so much. I almost had no voice at work on Tuesday and Friday. Speaking of work, tomorrow my probation period ends! Wahoo!

I am totally in love with Tofu Cute, a UK-based store that imports and sells all sorts of Japanese products. I got a package that I ordered (I got a box of strawberry Pocky, a pen with a lucky cat, and a pen that looks like a milk bottle and has erasable gel) the other day and it's so cute! I have an extensive wishlist on there, and I'm having to be really disciplined because I'll buy everything if I don't watch myself. It's all so cute!

A Stab in the Knee

I've been preoccupied with my ridiculous knees this week. On Tuesday I went back to the hospital to have them looked at again. The doctor decided to give me a cortisone injection in my left knee (the worse one of the two); I agreed because anything that might help me not be in pain is fine by me. Basically this big ol' needle gets poked under your kneecap and injects into the joint; the cortisone is a steroid-based anti-inflammatory that's supposed to help soothe pain. It was the most traumatising thing ever. I'm cool with needles and injections, but having one in the joint was the grossest feeling, and it hurt. It's not a permanent fix, but it's all they can really do. It turns out that my cartilage is soft and rough because of my hyper-flexible joints (I can bend them backwards slightly, it's really creepy), so basically my own body has screwed up my knees. Rad! Here's a photo of me looking miserable before the doctor returned with the biggest needle I've ever seen:

My knee felt so weird for days, like it was hollow and full of liquid. I had some pretty crap side effects, especially when I defied doctor's orders to rest and went to work on Thursday. I kept flushing (my cheeks went red, and my face was really hot), so much so that my boss actually sent me out back to sit down and have some water. My knee was killing me after standing on it for hours, and swelled up. I also had some pretty bad chest pains, which wasn't worrying at all (lie). I'm feeling much better now, but my knee is still hurting on and off. When it doesn't hurt though, it's bliss. My knees have been paining me since I was 15, I can't remember what not being in pain feels like. It's bloody weird.

On Wednesday, I baked some Easter nest cakes to take to work on Thursday. They've gotten positive reviews so far, so I'm happy with that. They were delicious, if I may say so myself! Mum has gotten me some Mary Berry books as an early birthday present, and I'm currently perusing those to decide what to bake next!

On the most adorable nephew front, Ethan has figured out how to get onto his hands and knees, and is beginning to learn how to shuffle forward (he could only shuffle backwards before). So he'll soon be crawling around, and his parents better watch out! I can't believe how fast he's growing - he's over 8 months old already. Here's a gorgeous photo of him looking very pleased with himself:

I've also finally made a start on the travel scrapbook I bought after my two months in America, in 2014. Yes, it's taken me this long to be bothered to do it. My problem is that I want the scrapbook to look as beautiful as all the ones I see online, but I know I'm not talented enough to make it that way (and I can't afford all the materials/equipment). So I end up putting it off because I don't want to spoil it by actually doing it. Does that make sense? I'm sure most of you understand unless you're ridiculously creative, in which case I hate you a bit.

Today, I also started my Yearly Purge. I only did a little bit, but today is the official beginning of the Purge, and I will do a little every time I have a moment/the motivation. I sorted out my toiletries hamper, first aid box, and expanding file for all my documents. I plan to be ridiculously brutal this year, get rid of everything that I don't need or will never use/wear.

It's 10 days until my 24th birthday. I can't believe how quickly that's come around this year. 2016 is flying by with horrifying vigour. I have embryonic plans to go to London and stay at Lana's for a weekend, a Bristol trip with Susie, and I'm planning to ask Mum and Caz if they want to do lunch/dinner/something with me around my birthday. It's gonna be gooood.


P.S. My Iwako collection has grown - I now also have a hamster, panda, and pig:

Post Berlin

Tomorrow, it will have been three weeks since I came back from Germany, and I can't believe how quickly that time has gone. I was struck down with the lurgy pretty much as soon as I came back; I don't know what it was but I've never had such a horrible, aggressive virus. I managed to do my first shift back at work but was then bedridden for three days. I'm still not completely right now, it's insane.

We all got a payrise at work, so that was a nice turn up for the books. Aside from working I've done a few things, and caught up with people. I saw Ashleigh and Ethan a couple of weeks ago; Ethan is sooo heavy now, and just a darling as always. He's good at leaning forward and grabbing things now, and he had a good play with my phone (by 'play' I mean sticking my phone in his mouth and dropping it on the floor). Liam and Ashleigh recently did another photoshoot with them and Ethan and here is my favourite one of my lovely nephew - isn't he just flawless???

Susie and I went out for a dessert date and a catch-up. We delighted over Leo Dicaprio finally getting the Oscar he's deserved for years, talked about how crazy Tom Hardy looks, and updated each other on our lives and happenings. It was so good to see her, as I hadn't for literally 5 weeks, and that is unacceptable. We plan to go to the cinema at some point to watch Hail Caesar, and we're also going to go out for Prosecco and giggles. We still need to plan going back to Bristol, which I'm hoping to do around my birthday (which is suddenly only a month away, what the hell??).

On Saturday I got Mum some flowers and baked her a cake. I was also loving life when I popped to Asda for ingredients because they have 8-packs of Pepsi Max Cherry on offer for £2 - NICE.

On Mother's Day, I also gave Mum a box of chocolates and a cute card, and Nan came over because Mum was cooking lunch for her. We had a prawn cocktail starter, macaroni cheese with bacon and leek, and trifle - it was absolutely delicious, and the Prosecco and wine flowed. We also tried the cake I had made, and it was divine if I do say so myself.

I also helped Nan to print, sort, and file a bunch of her legal documents etc and she gave me £20 for doing it, which is really sweet of her. I would've done it for free, but she felt I deserved to have an incentive because it was 'boring' (her words, I quite like organising documents - which is weird, I know, but it's strangely therapeutic).

Today, I'm taking Mum to Ed's Diner for lunch as another Mother's Day treat because I lurve her, and Ed's is our favourite place ever. I'm so ready for some cheesy fries!

I have decided that I must make some kind of plans for my birthday - I'm tired of never doing anything fun for it. And I'm beginning to think about my Yearly Purge. Basically, every year since 2011, I've spent a good week or so completely gutting my room, sorting through everything and chucking stuff out, rearranging, reorganising, etc. It's long and sometimes tedious, but at the end of it, I have decluttered and my room is tidy, and it really is very good for one's mind to have a tidy space. I will probably start doing that after my birthday/towards the beginning of summer. That's when the Yearly Purge usually happens, and I find I have a lot more energy and motivation when there's more daylight (I mean, who doesn't?).

Just a last note on something ridiculous that I bought because I found it cute - this Iwako eraser that we've been selling with our Easter products at work. You can even take the chick out of the eggshell and I simply had to have one. I'm a sucker for cute stationery. Iwako also do a hamster eraser, and I am determined to get that too.

P.S. Bonus Sirius (eating cupcake crumbs):

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Well, it's not really. Here in England it's just cold and grey, and quite often rainy. But I'm really starting to feel the festive spirit, especially since Liam came home on Friday evening and Caz returned from Manchester yesterday!

It's been three(??) weeks since my last entry on here. I knew I wouldn't stick to the weekly thing for very long. I've been busy working my backside off, and I'm still having a lot of fun. The people I work with are such a laugh, and they're really easy to get along with. The job itself is starting to feel like second nature now; I'm a lot more familiar with the way things work around the store. My confidence has shot up even more, and my social skills are getting back on track again. I'm finding that I'm much better at small talk and making the first move in a conversation now. I'm really thankful for this job and how much it's helped me to come back to the world.

Things on the baking front have been going well. I made some Lebkuchen for practice (I'm making some for my stepmum as part of her Christmas gift, and wanted to do a test-bake), and they came out really delicious! Susie and I have had a couple of baking scenarios, and they were both beautiful but disastrous. First we made what was basically a light version of the Black Forest gateau we made back in August. It was really tasty and so rich, but for some reason the white chocolate ganache had a bit of a tantrum and was really runny, so it ended up engulfing our poor cake.

We also attempted a stollen the other day, and that was just a disaster through and through. NEVER use a recipe from Paul Hollywood - this recipe was just.. Not functional. He reckoned that the stollen needed a whole pound of dried fruit in it. We couldn't even get the entire quantity of fruit into the dough, and then it was so heavy that it barely rose at all. It looked and smelled nice at the end - I've yet to try a piece, but it was 'ok' according to Susie. Here she is looking pretty disillusioned with our stollen slab, and with Paul Hollywood who sits on a throne of lies:

I treated myself recently, too. For literally years, I have wanted the clothbound classics version of Dracula by Bram Stoker. For literally years, I have continuously made some excuse or another not to spend the money on it. But then I put my foot down and said "Treat yo' self!" and now I own it. It's totally beautiful, and looks wonderful on my bookshelf!

All of my favourite TV shows are currently on mid-season breaks, so my life is completely boring and empty until they return. I have hit 2,500 followers on my twitter and since surpassed that number. It's mad that people are actually finding me entertaining (though I do find myself very funny). I also changed my screen name on there to 'Kayligula' (a parody of the Roman emperor Caligula), which I still find endlessly funny.

I have also had a haircut, finally. I have my fringe back, and my hair isn't as unkempt as it was rapidly getting.

Short & Sweet

Honestly, most of what I do week by week is going to work, but I like it that way. I'm still enjoying myself and, as an added bonus, my social skills are starting to get right back on track. Being out of work this year really messed me up socially, but I didn't even realise how bad it had gotten until I got this job and started regularly interacting with strangers again. I'm so much more comfortable making conversation with people now. Having this job is really good for me!

Yesterday, I made a key lime pie for the first time ever. I've never even made a cheesecake, so this was really a shot in the dark. I was pleased with how it came out though; it was creamy with a nice citrus-y hint from the lime juice. The only thing I'd do when I try a cheesecake-type dessert again is work a bit harder on the base - mine kind of fell apart when I cut a slice! Sirius enjoyed the whipped cream I ate the pie with; he kept climbing up the cage and begging for more of it, but I couldn't give him too much or he'd have a bad tummy. Speaking of Sirius, I took a cute photo of him:

I also started wrapping Christmas presents! I'm feeling really good about being able to afford to do Christmas this year, and I actually enjoy wrapping gifts. Not to mention the fact that I have cute wrapping paper - I especially like the sweet robin gift tags (the bellies are puffed-out tissue paper!).

Poor Health & Macbeth

It's taken me all day to get around to writing this post; I've felt really exhausted and rough all day. My head is killing me too, which doesn't help. I had a really broken sleep last night so - despite actually getting to sleep fairly early - I don't feel rested.

I feel like I'm in pretty poor health at the moment. I went to the doctors on Monday to follow up about my knees (I've heard nothing from the hospital about physiotherapy); turns out it could take anywhere up to four months for them to even get in contact, so I have to wait and see if they'll bother to get in touch before next month. In the meantime, the doctor gave me some physio exercises to do with my knees to hopefully help them a bit. As for the chronic exhaustion that I'm still suffering from, I've since had a full blood test to see if I'm anaemic again, or if anything else has gone haywire. It says a lot that I'm almost hoping that they do find something - at least I'd be able to get treatment and not be sleeping for almost 18 hours a day.

Still unemployed, but I'm continuing to push out applications. It's a long, hard slog but I know I'm not the only graduate in this position (as much as it feels like I am). While I wait for a foot in the door, I'm continuing to take care of myself, body and mind, to learn, and to try to experience things on my limited funds and energy.

I've also started making a conscious effort to be less harsh on myself; I kept making really strict schedules for every day and beating myself up if I didn't get everything done. It was unnecessary stress, and I'm slowly starting to get the hang of being less critical of myself, and trying to remember that I'm not operating at 100% so I need to adjust my expectations to reflect that. It's an uphill struggle because my default reaction is to tell myself I'm useless and a failure, but it has (so far) been worth it. I feel somewhat calmer and more able to actually get things done. It turns out stressing yourself out doesn't really help you get anywhere on your to do list.

On Tuesday, Susie and I went to see Macbeth (the movie, not the play) - it was utterly incredible. The cinematography was just stunning, the acting was heartrending, and by the end of the movie you could've heard a pin drop in that screen room. Everyone was silent and just awed by it. Susie and I took ages to get over how that movie made us feel. I can't even put it into words - my heart was pounding at the end. It was like adrenaline, even though the film wasn't scary. Whatever I was expecting from Macbeth, it was NOT that kind of trauma! Plus, Michael Fassbender is in it, and if that's not an incentive to watch it, I don't know what is. After the movie, we went to Kaspa's for a sundae - we felt we needed sugar after the shock to our systems. I had their very cherry sundae, and a soda float (I'm serious about the needing-sugar thing!). I would watch it again, but I feel like I'd need to really prepare myself emotionally for it.

Wednesday was baking day for me! I made neapolitan cupcakes, which came out really well and tasted beautiful! I was quite pleased with myself, having never attempted a double-layer cupcake like this before. Baking every week is really good for my psyche. It's something to focus on, results in something that everyone can enjoy, and it's therapeutic to do it all by hand. I wish I wasn't an idiot so I could make a business out of it!

On Friday, I got myself a ticket to an exhibition at the Museum of London. Basically, Scotland Yard (headquarters of the Metropolitan Police, who service most of London) have what is referred to colloquially as the 'Black Museum', which is a private collection of evidence from crimes. Historically, it's only ever been open to the police or invited guests, but now they've agreed to have an exhibit of some of the pieces! The exhibit opened yesterday, and I'm going on Wednesday. I'm so excited to see it, and I'll also be a 15-minute Tube ride away from the infamous Blind Beggar pub in Whitechapel (where Ronnie Kray shot and killed George Cornell), so I'll probably go and see that as well as Whitechapel itself (where Jack the Ripper played in the 1880's). It's going to be a grisly crime tour of London, and I cannot wait! My coach home isn't until 7:30pm, so I'll have plenty of time after the exhibition to explore.

Finally, I've been getting lots of love on twitter lately, which greatly feeds my need for validation. If you don't already follow me, whoomp here it is. I promise I'm funny sometimes.

Learning The Word 'Yes'

This blog has, yet again, become pretty derelict. I'm very aware that there aren't many people who would give much of a crap about my life and what's happening in it, but I like to blog. I like having somewhere to talk about fun things, bad things, interesting things. So here I am, yet again, trying to revive this blog.

The title of this post is referring to the fact that I've spent too much time hiding myself away, cancelling plans, and saying 'no' by default. It's a harsh side-effect of being depressed - you know you will probably have fun if you forced yourself to go out, but the motivation to make yourself get up, get dressed and presentable, and head out to meet someone/go somewhere, is just absent. It's a vicious cycle, though - the more you say no because you can't face going out, the more bitter and upset you feel about never going anywhere, doing anything, or seeing anyone. This has been me for most of 2015, and I'm now trying to break out of that damaging cycle.

Saying yes to things is difficult, but I'm trying my best to start agreeing to plans and making myself do things. So this week, so far, I have these plans!

• Tomorrow - I'm going to do some miscellaneous errands, finally download and watch the Hannibal finale, and I will be baking a lemon drizzle traybake. Mum asked if I could make one absolutely aaaages ago, and I've finally got the courage to give it a whirl.
• Wednesday - An early start because Ryan and I are catching the 9:30 coach to London for the day! We're going to go on a search for Nicki Minaj's Myx Moscato in the only place that (apparently) stocks it. We will also wander around some museums and just generally have a good day out in the big smoke. It'll be nice to spend a bit of time with my little brother in one of my favourite places in the world.
• Thursday - In the evening, Susie has invited me out to a cocktail bar that is also a hair salon (I know, I don't get it either but it sounds interesting); apparently it's quite a classy little place so we'll be wearing gorgeous dresses and red lippy and cocktails are actually my favourite thing in the world. It's going to be so fun!

I'm proud of myself just for these little things. There is also an embryonic plan with Caz to go bowling at the weekend, which is always a laugh. Maybe I'll have some stuff to actually talk about on this blog soon. Here's to hoping, anyway.

Baby Ethan, My Dysfunctional Knees & Losing 25% of My Wisdom

Mum, Ryan and I went to visit Liam, Ashleigh and Ethan on Monday. It was the first time I'd seen the little man since he was born, and he's so perfect! He's tiny and quiet and placid, and I love him already. Liam and Ashleigh were so cute too - they couldn't stop looking at their little boy, like he was a small miracle. He napped most of the time we were there, occasionally opening his eyes to peek out at everyone. It was so great to see him, and to see how well Ashleigh is looking.

My knees are still in pain after my collapse on Saturday (and probably from subsequently walking for miles on the same day, oops). I went to orthopaedics at the hospital on Tuesday and got an X-ray. Apparently my cartilage and bones are ok, and I have 'weak muscles'. I don't understand how, seeing as it's my actual knee that gives way and locks up and all the rest of it. But I'm willing to play ball and go to the physiotherapy I've been referred to. Anything that'll help the pain I'm in will be good.

This morning, I had my top right wisdom tooth removed. My dentist was really nice, and reassured me through the whole procedure (which was surprisingly quick). The numbing injections weren't too bad - what creeped me out the most was the nasty crunching sound I could hear as he pulled the tooth out. When he was done, I got up and was shaking uncontrollably because I am still pretty scared of the dentist, and I imagine the trauma of getting a tooth ripped out makes your body react weirdly. But I'm pleased with myself for going and getting it done, despite my fear. My mouth hurts a bit now, but I've had painkillers which has taken the edge off.

From My Bed of Pain

I'm stuck here for the day having just had surgery on my big toes. They have such large dressings on them that I look like I'm wearing huge marshmallows, it's pretty hilarious. The anaesthetic is wearing off though, so they'll soon be stinging away. The upside is that there's a 95% chance of me never getting an ingrown toenail again. Which I think is a fair enough exchange for a few days of pain and rest.

I am utterly dreading going to the dentist tomorrow morning, for a few reasons..

1. I've not been to the dentist (apart from back in 2013 for my wisdom tooth blues) since I turned 18. That's a good 5 years of just winging it, which is dreadful.
2. I'm scared of being told off by the dentist, because my old dentist (who was the last straw for me not going for so long) was so rude to me all of the time.
3. I have a huge, inexplicable phobia of that hook-shaped scrape-y tool that the dentist uses to scratch and poke at your teeth - pretty sure it's called a scaler?? I was talking to my psychologist about it the other day and was actually sweating and shaking just thinking about it. Luckily, Caz is an angel and is coming with me for moral support (and to tell the dentist off if he's scary).

But the dentist's office I'm registered with is housed in a gorgeous Victorian building up in Old Town, so that cheers me up somewhat. At least I'll be in a pretty environment while I'm tortured with the hook-shaped scrape-y dentist tool.

It is 6 days until Ashleigh's due date, which means we'll soon be welcoming my new nephew into the world! I'm so excited to meet him - this year has been so crap in so many ways, but the thought of a new little life beginning is buoying me up. I made Ashleigh a gorgeous dark and white chocolate layer cake when Mum and I went to visit her last Sunday (and it was delicious, I have to say!) just to give her a lovely treat. We're all just hoping and praying that baby stays put until Liam gets back home on Friday!

I'm looking forward to the weekend because Susie and I are going to be having a brilliant day/evening out in Bristol. It'll be so much fun - I love Bristol, and haven't been (for leisure) in aaaages.

Almost A Month Later

Good godfathers. Can you believe back in 2009 I used to blog every day? Sure, I was always out and about and doing stuff back then, but I thought I'd at least utilise this blog to talk about Stuff and Things. No such luck, I'm too tired and quite often too fed up to bother.

Anyway, another little update is in order I suppose. I'm still applying like a maniac to any job or internship that I'm even vaguely qualified for (and some that I'm not); still no luck, but I'm soldiering on. I'm also working on a ~project~ that may or may not come into fruition sometime soon. It's a lot to do with the difficulty of finding a (decent) job after university and also how crap it is to have graduated at one of the worst possible times i.e. after a major global economic crash. It's giving me a place to air my frustration and channel it into something that will hopefully become something productive. I'll say more when and if I ever get the project up and running.

Due to the depression of being jobless and stuck in my hometown with no plans, I've been very lethargic and apathetic lately. I guess I haven't updated this blog because I don't really see much point, as I'm mostly sleeping and playing Cooking Mama 3 right now, ha. However, there are some good things for me to talk about!

One of these is that we found out what Liam and Ashleigh are having! It's a little boy, so another nephew for me! We found out when we (Mutti, Martin, me, Ryan, Nan, Vati & Kath) went with Liam and Ash to a Chinese restaurant for dinner, and afterwards they cut open a cake they'd made especially - we all watched with bated breath because there were candies inside, either blue or pink, to signify which sex the baby is. And of course, when Nan cut the cake open....

Blue candy! You can kiiiind of see Liam and Ash in the background, looking all proud of themselves. It's so lovely how excited they are about the arrival of their little man! It's weird, I'd never want kids of my own but when family members/friends are expecting a baby, I get so caught up with all the excitement. Looking forward to meeting my new nephew, it's only four-ish months away now!

Today, I got a package from the lovely Jayne (I wrote a post about her lovely Etsy shop back in 2013); it's a custom necklace that I bought with a photo of Robin Lord Taylor as Oswald Cobblepot in it! And, as per Jayne's usual fabulous work, it's perfect!

It definitely cheered me up some! I'm not plugging her or anything (I am, I am totally plugging her), but I highly recommend you go take a peep at Jayne's shop because she has so many cute pieces for sale, not to mention her custom work has always been stunning in my experience. Oh, and her prices are ridiculously reasonable for the quality you get!

*insert general comment about how I should blog more, and non-committal statement saying that I will strive to write more often*

I Need To Start Blogging Again...

I'm having a weirdly productive day today, so I thought I'd make a post about things that have been going on since my last post, aaaages ago. There isn't tonnes to talk about, because I'm still jobless (but looking!), and my dwindling bank account doesn't really allow me to go out to places and do things. BUT, here goes!

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I finally got my hair cut, for the first time in about eight months - last time I had it done was before I went to America! Eek! Kim did a fantastic job as usual; I asked for a bit of a style change, and she's cut it a couple of inches shorter as well as adding in more layers, and a cute fringe.

I also dyed my hair a really dark shade of red; it's faded a bit and looks so nice now, but of course I was bathing in the first plague of Egypt for a week.

At the end of January, I went to see Lana. It was pretty brill because I hadn't seen her for pretty much a year; we ate Chinese food and laughed at her aunt's dating adventures with a man who 'looked like a baked bean', and we wandered London, just generally enjoying each other's company. It was a welcome break from this stupid town.

On February 7th, I went out with Susie. It was a really good night - we chatted in German, laughed at everything, and toasted to 'chronic dissatisfaction'. It was only when I drank some crazy Slovakian liqueur that was ridiculously strong that I was in a bit of bother. Susie put me in a taxi and I somehow managed to get in the house and lock the door. I was just trying to pull my boots off when I fell spectacularly, hitting my face on the stair banister and falling back into the living room, where I hit the back of my head ridiculously hard. I got the next bit from Mum because I remember nothing from then. I was apparently violently and copiously sick; her and Martin had to drag me upstairs and wash my hair before they put me to bed. Then, apparently, I was laying in bed speaking in tongues and laughing to myself. After five days of a near-constant splitting headache and feeling queasy, I went to the doctors and it turned out the puking, subsequent mad behaviour, and the memory loss, was down to the fact I'd been walking around with a concussion. So, that was hilarious. Thankfully it's completely better now!

February 15th - Caz was down from Manchester for a bit, and we decided to go bowling. We put our names as House and Wilson, played terribly, and then went on this really cool Alien arcade game and played a really violent round of air hockey. Back at her house, we tried to play Fatal Frame 2 again because Markiplier is currently playing it and we still don't think it's as good as the first one. Honestly, there's so much wandering around doing nothing, the story is barely existent and has huge holes in it, and there are ghosts that literally have nothing to do with anything that happens. The first one is 1000 times better, and trying to play the second one again confirmed that for me and Caz. PLAY THE FIRST ONE/subliminal messaging.

My little brother Ryan turned 18. I may as well just put myself in a home and be done with it. He's thrilled about finally being able to buy booze legally. And he's gotten a really nice Buddha tattoo on the back of his leg. It's so weird that my baby bro is legally an adult now.

Continuing on the family vein, Ashleigh is now about 18 weeks along with her pregnancy. Google tells me the foetus is now the size of a bell pepper, and will be starting to move his/her arms and legs around more. I'm so excited to meet them!

On a much sadder note, my grandfather Dave (who has been with my Nan for about 16-17 years, and married her not even a month ago) passed away on February 18th. He'd been fighting cancer for 15 years, but you wouldn't have known it. He was always energetic and sociable and inquisitive, and he and Nan went on many travels and adventures together. He'd gotten worse in the last couple of years, but that didn't stop him going to Australia for Christmas last year. He only really stopped when he was hospitalised, mere days before he died. Even then, Mum says he was trying to get his coat and walk out of there to go to lunch with them. He was an ex-Para, so he was a squaddie through and through, and stubborn to the last. Apparently he went peacefully, surrounded by family, which is all we could hope for. His funeral is next Thursday.

I've also gotten into watching Gotham, and I'm so glad I did because I'm in love with it, and with most of the cast. Not to mention that Cory Michael Smith (Edward Nygma aka the Riddler) and Robin Lord Taylor (Oswald Cobblepot aka the Penguin) both favourited tweets I sent to them!

I've also been keeping up with Law & Order: SVU, and The Walking Dead. It's weird - I never used to regularly watch TV shows, or I'd just find one that I really love and binge-watch it. But now I'm discovering so much good telly, and it's great at the moment as it distracts me from my current poor, unemployed-ness. I've also compiled lists of movies that I want to watch, and I'm working on going through those. I'm reading a lot as well - I recently finished The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde and I'm now reading Tolkien: A Dictionary, which is so interesting and makes me happy because it's about everything, everyone and everywhere in beautiful Middle Earth.

I've been revamping my wanderlust list, and may update the page on here eventually. I must say that my list has gotten wildly out of hand - it would probably be easier to just write 'anywhere and everywhere, up to and including space'. I've had to split the list up into many subsections. There are so many wonderful places in the world, and I want to see all of them!

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As for my productive day today, I woke up at 8am (naturally, and not feeling completely dead for once), and just before 10am I worked on writing a copy example for a job I'm applying to at Harrods' head office (eeeek!!). I finished that and sent it, then left to get some ingredients from - as I was waiting for the bus, a bloke gave me his dayrider that he'd finished with, so that was good! At asda, I got lunch and a hot chocolate from Costa, and when I got home I made some fudgy coconut brownies (using this recipe)! I have since sampled one, and they came out utterly delicious.

And have a bonus photo of Jackson:

Coming Home

So I made it back to merry old England in one piece, after what felt like the longest journey ever. I left America at 4pm, and made it back to England at 7:40am the next morning - obviously I lost hours due to the time zones, but it felt like I'd been travelling for about thirty years when I finally touched down at Heathrow. It was made easier by the fact that I had Smiley in the row behind me on the flight from JFK to Frankfurt - what also made it easier was that I watched The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and The Devil Wears Prada.

Luckily, I also had Smiley with me to scuttle across Frankfurt airport in order to get our connecting flights. My feet were killing me and it didn't help that Frankfurt airport is basically the size of England; after half an hour of walking and a trip on the air train, we finally found security and our gates. This is where I said goodbye to Smiley, as she was flying to Manchester and I was going back to Heathrow. I hobbled along to my gate, and sat there like a lemon until boarding was supposedly happening, but no one was there. I then found out that the gate had been changed (cheers for letting me know, right?) so I kind of hobble-galloped over to the new gate, which was mercifully not too far away. After berating a dickhead business man for being rude to one of the airport staff just for doing her job, I limped onto the plane and sat down, resting my awfully aching feet.

Border control at Heathrow was a breeze, even though I was now re-equipped with the heaviest suitcase and holdall in the world. What also annoyed me was the 'nothing to declare' section, when I went through the one coming from the EU instead of coming from the USA. There was literally no difference in these two places, but I was told off and made to walk out of the EU one and through the USA one, something my feet were not happy about. I finally got out to where Mutti and Ryan were waiting, and it was so great to see them! I was dead on my feet and in so much pain, but just getting to see some family was a huge boost. I also got a Greggs sausage roll on the drive home - you have no idea how much I've missed those.

I was pretty out of it with jetlag for the next couple of days, but I got to see my family at home, including my fat furry pal, Jackson:

I also saw Caz for the first time in like four months, so that was a bloody blast. And I got to see Liam, who is currently on break from his tour in Afghanistan; him and Ashleigh came over for a chinwag and it was so good to see all of them ♥

I am now over my jetlag and ridiculously excited because the Kate Bush gig is in 2 days, and Arron & Kim's wedding is in 6 days!

Final Sprint

I'm so close to finishing university forever. Good lawd. It's been simultaneously the most fun and most stressful experience of my life. I've met many people, had many experiences, and grown so much as a person. I'm incredibly glad I took the plunge and came to uni; it was a massively scary decision, but it was necessary. Without university, I wouldn't have become an adult. I wouldn't know how to pay bills and support myself, how to get through the day with a raging hangover, how to take a deep breath and dive head-first into anything that takes my fancy, and believing in myself enough to know that I can go places and do things. In extension to that last point, I wouldn't be going to work in America this summer or potentially teaching in Spain in October for a year, if it wasn't for getting through assignment deadlines and the university environment itself without giving up, despite wanting to a few times. I did this with the added burden of my continuously fluctuating mental health, and it hasn't been easy. So I'm allowing myself to feel a bit of pride that I've come this far and gotten to the other side - scratched, scared and £20,000+ in debt, but still standing and ready to get out there and see the world.

This month and a bit is the last push. I have around 40 hours of lectures, 5 assignments and an exam left, and that's it. It's terrifying and exhilarating and unbelievably surreal.

I'm currently looking forward to going home for the Easter holidays, though! I have a multitude of to do lists, right up until April 2nd (I go home on April 3rd), in order to keep myself as busy as possible and to get as much work as I can out of the way so I can recuperate and enjoy the break. This week involves making my video and submitting my Wordpress design for Online Journalism; 4 remaining hours of lectures; sending Mothers Day cards for Mutti and Kath; starting on my History of English and Communication & Cultures assignments; getting my prescription; sending off the forms for my police certificate for the States; and going swimming for the last time this term. Next week will be a little less hectic, with only 10 hours of lectures and hopefully I will have finished all the pre-Easter assignments I have due by then.

I'm giving blood again too! I was feeling crap because I haven't done it since my first time in July, so I was browsing to see if there would be any sessions at home while I was there. No go, but I stumbled on a session at a hotel five minutes away from me here in Hatfield on Monday, so I'm going to go to that one. It'll be good to give blood again, as I felt so pleased with myself last time, and it really is such a great way to be charitable if you're a pauper like me!

Oh, and it is 13 days until I turn 22. I cannot believe how fast that's come around. My flatmates won't stop laughing at me because I'm 'so old'. Well, except for James - he turns 22 in May so he feels all my pain!

Bonus photo of Lana and I:

She came over on March 14th, for the weekend. On the Friday night, we went on a dinner date to Frankie & Benny's as we'd never gone out for proper dinner before, and on the Saturday, we went to Camden and spent hours exploring the Stables Market. It was an all-round great weekend (obviously interspersed with boozing with the flatmates), and definitely stopped me going round the twist from being cooped up on my own, beating myself up over my lack of productivity.