Berlin - Museums, Mostly

08:30, The Circus Hostel

I ended up going to bed quite early last night; I was really dehydrated and my head was killing me. I'm now kicking myself because I found out that Sou's coworkers (whom I met yesterday evening) put aside a ticket and a free drinks wristband for me to use at the party they were at last night. Also found out that the coworkers said I was really cute - awww!

Anyway, I've just woken up and I feel much better now that I've had a good nights sleep (even though it took me a while to drift off because of the loud Americans being really inconsiderate again).

21:23, The Circus Hostel

Weather was pretty bleak today, very grey and drizzly and cold. I powered through though because I had a lot to see! I started the day in my hostel cafe (Katz & Maus) having a 'Berliner' breakfast - basically cold meats and cheeses and bread rolls. Delicious!

My first port of call was Checkpoint Charlie, the U.S. crossing point between east and west Berlin that was established during the Cold War. Obviously it's not a real checkpoint any more, since the Wall came down, but it remains as a point of historical interest. I was quite amused by the fact that they were selling replica Soviet army hats and gas masks and stuff. I didn't dare look at the prices, though I was really tempted to get Liam a Soviet officer's cap.

I then attempted to go to a place called Kraftwerk, which is a gallery/art exhibit space inside an old disused factory. I found the factory, but I couldn't find how to get through the gates, which was annoying. I then realised that I was in what looked like a really rough area which was.. Discomforting. Also, the inside of my nostrils was stinging from the cold at this point.

I figured out that I could walk to the East Side Gallery from where I was. The walk was interesting - there were broken windows and graffiti everywhere (as well as what looked like a shanty town with houses made from corrugated iron and bits of board). But I still didn't feel really unsafe, which was weird. The area seemed rough, but it was mostly deserted and pretty interesting to look at.

The gallery was fascinating. It's literally just legal graffiti and murals on a big remaining section of the Berlin Wall. It has a lot of character and is very interesting and colourful.

I had some time before I was due at the Neues Museum, so I went over to the Ramones museum. That was SO cool. I can't believe how much information and memorabilia they've managed to fit into a fairly small space. They must've gotten so many donations from people because there were tonnes of gig posters, tour itineraries, ticket stubs (including VIP/all-access passes), news articles, photographs, and badges. Not to mention all of the signed stuff, guitars, pieces of clothing, and Joey Ramone's entire home entertainment system! They had live Ramones recordings playing too, which just added to the brilliance. Any Ramones fan in Berlin should make a stop here (it's only 3,50€ to get in!).

 At around 2pm, I made my way over to the Neues Museum, and saw the incredible Berlin Cathedral on the way there. I decided not to go in as I had a Slipknot shirt on and it was Sunday - it seemed a bit tasteless. I would like to explore the crypt in there next time I go to Berlin though!

The museum has a huge Ancient Egypt collection. I enjoyed wandering through the rooms and seeing everything. But the very best bit was the bust of Nefertiti. No cameras were allowed in the room where it was, which was a shame, but it was still breathtaking. There was a reverent hush in the room as people stood and just stared. It was hard to take your eyes off of the bust - it was so captivating and so sublimely beautiful. Her eyes seemed to pierce yours when you look at her face. Amazing! I got some postcards and a little statue of Anubis at the gift shop.

I met Sou again this afternoon and we spent nearly 4 hours walking and talking. I was teaching her some British slang and she taught me how to say cunt in German, which of course is the only German I will ever need. We also talked about August Diehl and Alexander Fehling and how much we hate (love) them. She has also now gotten me into ugly GDR architecture - it's so remarkably hideous, and I love it very much. An example of it is this wonderful fountain that she showed me:

as well as the Weltzeituhr (world clock):

By the time I got back here, my feet and legs were killing me and I was about ready to collapse. I really enjoyed myself though - Sou is so fun to talk to, and we had such a laugh. I've also realised that we haven't yet had a selfie together! Hopefully we'll have time to rectify that before I leave.

Berlin Sights

07:00, The Circus Hostel

Last night was good - I went out to Lebensstern. It was quite easy to get there and I didn't even feel that nervous being out at night. The city is super relaxed.

The bar was really nice (apart from the fact that they allow smoking so my hair and dress smelled when I got out), and there's a canvas on the wall that has a note from Tarantino written on it! So cool!

I had a couple of drinks and then left because the drinks were expensive (and strong!) and I felt a bit awkward and lonely. I realised just how little I know when it comes to German and I'm too shy to speak it at the moment.

The journey back to the hostel went smoothly and I managed to order from German Dominos - to be honest, the pizza wasn't that satisfying and today I feel really bloated. But I don't know how much I will be eating today so I can be sustained by the questionable late night pizza.

I'm feeling slightly grouchy because some loud Americans kept waking me up last night and I hate them.


19:55, The Circus Hostel

TODAY WAS SO BRILLIANT. God I love Berlin already! Despite being ridiculously tired, I did so much and walked loads.

My first stop of the day was the Brandenburger Tor. I cocked up getting there a little bit but fixed it pretty easily. As I was walking upstairs out of the U-Bahn station, I thought "Hmm, I wonder if I'll be able to see the gate from here-" BOOM. There it was, right in front of me. Nothing prepared me for how huge it actually is, it's just amazing.

Next, I had an appointment at the Reichstag to go and see the huge dome on top of the building. This dome was like something out of a sci-fi movie, all glass and mirrors and metal. There was a walkway that allowed you to walk right to the top of the dome, and the view was incredible. The roof had a round open bit in it, so I could look right out at the bright blue sky (the weather was just beautiful all day; blue skies, sun, cold breeze). It was a good way to kick off my Berlin holiday, to see the whole city from so high up.

I made a quick stop to look at the Hauptbahnhof (the main train station in Berlin) and it's another futuristic looking place as well as being absolutely massive. I got a bit lost on my way to my next destination, but it was quite nice to walk leisurely around some quieter streets and I soon reoriented myself. There's lots of clear signage here, which is really helpful.

The next stop was the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. The sculpture is really striking - at the beginning, you can see over most of the blocks but as you walk amongst them, the ground slopes down until the slabs tower above you. It's a really poignant expression of the oppression and suffering of the Jewish people and I was quite moved by it. I was baffled at tourists laughing and taking smiley selfies here - I felt that was sort of in poor taste.

I also popped across the road to a singular tall slab, a sculpture dedicated to the homosexual victims of the Holocaust. Knowing how accepting the city of Berlin is now, the sculpture really struck a chord and serves as an example of progression and positive change.

For me, the next logical stop was the Führerbunker, the site where the man who orchestrated all this suffering finally died. The underground bunker is long gone, sealed up when anything of use or significance was collected and documented. Now, the site is marked with a single noticeboard with information on the bunker, Hitler's atrocities and the events leading to his death. Standing above the spot where the world was finally rid of him was incredibly powerful.

A complete juxtaposition to the sombre mini-tour I'd just taken was my next stop - the Berlin Mall. I've never seen anything like this crazy place - it's huge and the decor threw me for a loop. Most of it was dark wood, marble floors, posh comfy couches. But there's a floor mostly dedicated to kids' stores and the entire area looks like it was designed by a mad toddler. Astonishing. I got some fries and a coke from McDonalds ("Ich liebe es!") to recharge and took advantage of the mall's free wifi for a bit. Feeling refreshed, I continued on with my adventures.

Fassbender & Rausch was next on the itinerary. A chocolatiers established in 1863, their chocolate shop also has a cafe/restaurant, as well as a dessert stand. Walking in there was like walking into heaven. Huge chocolate sculptures were everywhere I looked, the shop was massive, and a lovely subtle chocolate smell hung in the air.

A chocolate Reichstag!

I was just transfixed. They had a guestbook that I simply signed with "WOW!!" I bought myself some dark chocolate sticks in a fancy tin that has the Berlin skyline on it. I also made the woman at the till laugh, in German too! She was having trouble with the till and was apologising and saying, "Ein moment, bitte." When it started working again, I pointed at it and said, "Dumm maschine!" and she laughed and said, "Ja, genau!" - I was so pleased with myself.

I headed over to Potsdamer Platz, in preparation for meeting up with Sou. I walked down the Boulevard der Stars (basically Berlin's Walk of Fame), and sought out Christoph Waltz's star because of course he has a star. I kept my eyes open in Potsdamer Platz just in case, like, George Clooney walked by.

Sou came to meet me back at the Mall of Berlin (I had gone back to sit down and to have wifi). She is so tiny and ridiculously cute. We spent some time hugging and squealing because we couldn't believe that we were finally meeting each other. We sat and talked for ages and it was great because we were immediately comfortable with each other. I'm so glad I got to meet her!

We went over to the posh hotel where Sou had to give some French actors their tickets for that night's premiere. For a while though, we stood outside right near the red carpet and the Berlinale Palast; the atmosphere was buzzing and it was cool to be standing amongst producers and camera crews (even if I did feel spectacularly out of place!).

Inside, we were in this super posh bar area with loads of glamorous people hanging around. I was being Sou's moral support while she was bombarded by people who were collecting their tickets. I came back to the hostel shortly before she had to leave to go to the premiere. And here I am.

Nach Deutschland!

14:15, 37000ft above Germany

It's approximately 35 minutes until we land in Berlin - the flight feels like it's gone really quickly (even if it took forever to get off the runway). Airport was a smooth ride, a lot of waiting but I'd rather arrive early.

Quite pleased with myself because I ate a ridiculously complicated wrap that the flight attendants offered. It had Harissa chicken, a yoghurt and mint dressing, yellow pepper, spinach and pomegranate kernels. I struggled a bit with the texture but it tasted so brilliant that I managed to power through.

We're currently flying over Hannover (now I've got that stupid Ruthless Rulers song from Horrible Histories in my head), and I'm so ridiculously excited. I love flying, I'm finally going to Berlin and things have gone really well so far! Little bit nervous about navigating my way to the hostel but I have it all written down and it seems pretty simple.

Also before we took off, someone was coughing (really violent/phlegmy coughs, totally gross) and this hilarious guy across the aisle was like, "An' I thought my runny nose was bad. Fackin' 'ell!"


18:09, The Circus Hostel

Of course I got off the bus too early and had to re-route. Quite proud that I managed to get here in one piece.

The receptionist at the hostel was super nice (and super cute) and I was welcomed and put at ease straight away. My room is beautiful and my bed is a French daybed. I nearly exploded because those beds are my favourite ever.

I'm trying to pluck up to the courage to go out to Lebensstern this evening. It's the bar where Tarantino filmed one of my favourite movie scenes of all time (the tavern scene in Inglourious Basterds). Going out in the evening in an unfamiliar city is always nerve-wracking but I figure if I can do NYC, I can do Berlin.

Another Fortnight

    It's been two weeks, again. I am so bad at this blogging thing. Something great is that I've seen Liam, Ashleigh and Ethan twice in the past fortnight, which is more often than usual. Ethan was sitting on the dining table, feeding himself bits of pear, carrot muffin, and cucumber. It was so cute!

    Susie and I had a Legend viewing on January 27th; it was so great to watch that movie again because I adore it. Susie and I laughed and quoted all the way through it. Caz popped back for a while and last week, we had lunch out at Ed's Diner. Of course it was utterly delicious, and it was nice to see Caz and have a giggle. Last Tuesday was the work 'Christmas' meal at Pizza Express. Delicious and amusing.

    Also last Tuesday I had a check-up at the dentist. My teeth are all healthy, and the dentist scaled all of them to make them super clean and shiny. I'm glad that that's one less thing to worry about for six months!

    I've been really behind on my baking lately. I keep meaning to make something, but I find it hard to fit things around my shifts. But this week, I'm baking twice. I'm making a batch of red velvet cupcakes to take to work for Valentines (because I am so bloody cute), and I'm making Ryan a chocolate brownie cake on Thursday (his birthday is on Friday). So that will be a lot of fun, I miss baking regularly!

    Planning Berlin has been the main focus for the last week. I think I've got most of it sorted. Planning an itinerary is so much more difficult than it sounds - trying to fit in everything you want to see and do into a short amount of time is so mad (but so much fun!). It's only four days until I fly out, and I've made plans to meet up with Sou, and I'm so excited for it!

    I've had the worst headache since yesterday afternoon. Still dragging myself into work, but I hope I feel better soon because this is the crappiest.

~ Kayleigh

Hello 2016

For the most part, 2015 was a crap year. I spent most of the year feeling rubbish, full of depression and anxiety. It was like my life had just ground to a halt. Dealing with the losses of my grandad Dave and my poor furball Jackson quite early on in the year also made things really difficult.

However, hindsight is 20/20, and looking back on 2015 has made me realise that a lot of good things also happened. When you're in the middle of so much rubbish, you really don't notice when the positive stuff happens. And positive stuff did happen....

• My lovely nephew Ethan was born! A new life really counters losing loved ones, and he really brightens up my day when I see him. Another new life this year was Sirius, my new furry friend. He's also therapeutic to have around, and has helped me a lot throughout this year.
• I've gotten more physically healthy, despite quite often being too depressed to get up. I am now a hydration bore because I drink at least a litre and a half of water every day and it's been a big improvement. I've moved around a lot more, and kept an eye on my food intake, and I managed to lose a stone! I also look after my skin a lot more now, and it's positively glowing.
• I got a job that I actually enjoy (that is now a permanent position, by the way - hurrah!). I work with great people, and I'm getting my social skills game back on track. It's been so good for me.
• Speaking of social stuff, I also became good friends with Susie this year. She's helped me through a lot and we've had some fun, crazy experiences.
• I went to Oxford for the first time and got to strike off a few sights on my wanderlust list.
• The introduction of my baking blog, Sugar Induced Coma, and doing a lot more baking.
• I also hit 2000 followers on twitter - I'm so pathetic that getting validation on there is an achievement for me.

On Tuesday, I was struck down with the gross cold that's been going around lately, but I managed to make it to midnight to see the fireworks at Big Ben on TV and watch Bryan Adams' great set. Then I simply had to go to bed because I was so woozy and tired. It was a pretty anti-climactic end to the year, to be honest. This blog entry has taken me forever to write, because I've mostly been resting up today. 

But anyway, here are my goals for 2016. As I said this time last year, I don't like to set resolutions because I feel too much like a failure if I don't do them. Goals are more kind, and it's something to just aim for, and if I only get some of the way towards achieving them it's a good thing.

• Learn a new skill, like practicing cake decorating more, learning to dance, German, or something.
• Go to Berlin in February (I know I'm going to achieve this because it's already booked and I am soooo excited!).
• See more places on my wanderlust list.
• Find exercises that I actually like doing, and do them loads.
• Go back to eating better and staying super hydrated.
• Lose 3 stone (or aim for it - I doubt that I'll lose that much in just a year, but that's the endgame).
• Work hard and get more hours at my job, look for opportunities to work my way up in the company.
• Go out more and redevelop my social life, make more friends, meet blokes, etc.
• Take more photos of the world around me.
• Continue to work on being nicer to myself, and not being so harsh on myself when I find setbacks.
• Get another tattoo!
• Get my bra size measured for the first time in aaaages, and get a nice new bra or five.
• Hit 5000 twitter followers because I dream big, son.
• Practice German every day, ever.
• Keep up with my regular baking, and posting on Sugar Induced Coma.
• Read a lot more - I've really not read enough lately, and I want to get back into the habit of reading loads like I used to.
• Blog on here at least once a week.
• Journal seriously, and loads more.
• Keep up with hair, nails, and skin care.

Loads of goals. But I feel good about it - it's good to aim for something, and I'm glad that I'm feeling a lot more optimistic about this year. I feel like I can really take on these goals and maybe get a few of them done! So here's to 2016, I hope it's a brilliant one for everyone!

Christmas 2015

I wish I had more discipline when it came to updating weekly, but I believe this time I have a valid excuse. Between Christmas and working, I've simply been too busy, too tired, or simply too full to focus on writing. Anyway, here I am, still on a post Christmas come-down and starting to develop what promises to be an unpleasant cold.

I was busy busy on the run-up to Christmas, working every day and putting in a couple of extra hours on Christmas Eve to help out a bit. Honestly, it came so quickly this year because of working so much, and I appreciated that. I usually feel like Christmas takes forever to come around, but before I knew it I was coming home at 6pm on Christmas Eve, ready for the festivities! I did some late-evening baking of Lebkuchen as a gift for my Mum and stepmum. I had a glass of Prosecco while I baked, courtesy of Ryan, who had been given some from work.

Christmas Day was brilliant. We were up at around 10, and had our usual fried breakfast. I had some bacon, toast and beans - doesn't sound like much, but I was saving my stomach for the grand feast that afternoon. Mum, Martin, Ryan and I opened presents. I had quite a good haul, including a couple of nice perfumes ('Fame' by Lady Gaga, and 'Midnight Fantasy' by Britney Spears). After present opening, it was a quick march getting the presents upstairs, getting dressed and tidying the living room before people started arriving. I decided spikes and flowers were my look for the day:

Liam, Ashleigh and Ethan arrived soon enough. I was ecstatic, having not seen the three of them for ages. Ethan was soon passed around like the world's most adorable parcel as everyone wanted to cuddle with him. He was lovely as usual, smiley and looking around at everything. He was dressed in his little elf suit. Nan also turned up, and had her cuddle with Ethan before getting onto the gin and tonics. I was drinking my Kraken rum at this point, and the red wine was soon brought out for dinner.

Christmas dinner, courtesy of Mum and Martin, was delicious. I ate so much of it, and I had a big piece of Vienetta for afters. We had some of Grandma's homemade crackers, as we do every year. While we all ate, Ethan was in his bouncy chair and he was jumping around by the table. It was so cute.

Liam always does the 'blue steel' in photos.

After dinner, we watched the Queen and opened presents from Liam & Ashleigh and Nan. I got a Hogwarts Library (The Tales of Beedle The Bard, Quidditch Through The Ages, and Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them) from Liam and Ash, and loads of Soap & Glory products from Nan. Pretty pleased with that!

That evening Arron, Kim, Harvey, Paula, Steven, and Ellie joined us. At this point, the house was nicely crowded, and we watched the kids open their various presents. Soon enough, Ellie and Harvey were running around with the Nerf guns Liam had gotten them and shooting everyone. Arron and Kim bought Mum and Martin the UK edition of Cards Against Humanity, and the adults played it until 1am. I have honestly not laughed so much all year; my chest was hurting by the end of it. It was so funny.

I worked on Boxing Day, so I didn't go to Dad's until 4pm. I briefly saw Liam, Ash, Ethan, Nanny Jean, Uncle Paul, and Uncle George before they left. And I ate tonnes again, including a big piece of Dad's amazing lemon meringue pie. I was so full afterwards that I just wanted to lie down. I opened all my presents from Dad and Kath and got loads of cool things - my favourite was the book I got Dad for his birthday ('Goodnight Darth Vader') but in German! It's brilliant!

I had a really great Christmas - even though I have no plans for New Years Eve, and probably won't do much, but I'm happy that the festive season has been so much fun. Also, last night, I finally got to see the new Star Wars movie. It's just as brilliant as everyone is saying, and I was so excited when the movie started. There was a really loud guy who soon shut up when I said loudly, "Are you serious??" - I was glad about this, because I've waited a damn decade for this, and wasn't about to have some bozo ruin it for me (and everyone else in the screen room, obviously).

This post has been terribly disjointed and badly-written, and I apologise. But my sinuses are hurting, and this cold is really beginning to manifest itself. Booooo.

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Well, it's not really. Here in England it's just cold and grey, and quite often rainy. But I'm really starting to feel the festive spirit, especially since Liam came home on Friday evening and Caz returned from Manchester yesterday!

It's been three(??) weeks since my last entry on here. I knew I wouldn't stick to the weekly thing for very long. I've been busy working my backside off, and I'm still having a lot of fun. The people I work with are such a laugh, and they're really easy to get along with. The job itself is starting to feel like second nature now; I'm a lot more familiar with the way things work around the store. My confidence has shot up even more, and my social skills are getting back on track again. I'm finding that I'm much better at small talk and making the first move in a conversation now. I'm really thankful for this job and how much it's helped me to come back to the world.

Things on the baking front have been going well. I made some Lebkuchen for practice (I'm making some for my stepmum as part of her Christmas gift, and wanted to do a test-bake), and they came out really delicious! Susie and I have had a couple of baking scenarios, and they were both beautiful but disastrous. First we made what was basically a light version of the Black Forest gateau we made back in August. It was really tasty and so rich, but for some reason the white chocolate ganache had a bit of a tantrum and was really runny, so it ended up engulfing our poor cake.

We also attempted a stollen the other day, and that was just a disaster through and through. NEVER use a recipe from Paul Hollywood - this recipe was just.. Not functional. He reckoned that the stollen needed a whole pound of dried fruit in it. We couldn't even get the entire quantity of fruit into the dough, and then it was so heavy that it barely rose at all. It looked and smelled nice at the end - I've yet to try a piece, but it was 'ok' according to Susie. Here she is looking pretty disillusioned with our stollen slab, and with Paul Hollywood who sits on a throne of lies:

I treated myself recently, too. For literally years, I have wanted the clothbound classics version of Dracula by Bram Stoker. For literally years, I have continuously made some excuse or another not to spend the money on it. But then I put my foot down and said "Treat yo' self!" and now I own it. It's totally beautiful, and looks wonderful on my bookshelf!

All of my favourite TV shows are currently on mid-season breaks, so my life is completely boring and empty until they return. I have hit 2,500 followers on my twitter and since surpassed that number. It's mad that people are actually finding me entertaining (though I do find myself very funny). I also changed my screen name on there to 'Kayligula' (a parody of the Roman emperor Caligula), which I still find endlessly funny.

I have also had a haircut, finally. I have my fringe back, and my hair isn't as unkempt as it was rapidly getting.

Short & Sweet

Honestly, most of what I do week by week is going to work, but I like it that way. I'm still enjoying myself and, as an added bonus, my social skills are starting to get right back on track. Being out of work this year really messed me up socially, but I didn't even realise how bad it had gotten until I got this job and started regularly interacting with strangers again. I'm so much more comfortable making conversation with people now. Having this job is really good for me!

Yesterday, I made a key lime pie for the first time ever. I've never even made a cheesecake, so this was really a shot in the dark. I was pleased with how it came out though; it was creamy with a nice citrus-y hint from the lime juice. The only thing I'd do when I try a cheesecake-type dessert again is work a bit harder on the base - mine kind of fell apart when I cut a slice! Sirius enjoyed the whipped cream I ate the pie with; he kept climbing up the cage and begging for more of it, but I couldn't give him too much or he'd have a bad tummy. Speaking of Sirius, I took a cute photo of him:

I also started wrapping Christmas presents! I'm feeling really good about being able to afford to do Christmas this year, and I actually enjoy wrapping gifts. Not to mention the fact that I have cute wrapping paper - I especially like the sweet robin gift tags (the bellies are puffed-out tissue paper!).

The Crime Museum Uncovered, etc.

Last Wednesday was a really good day. I dragged myself up early again to get the coach to London for the Crime Museum exhibit that I mentioned in my last post. I met up with Lana at Victoria and we took off to the Museum of London, a small (but very cool and interesting) museum not very far away from St Paul's cathedral.

Unfortunately photography was not permitted in the exhibit (I guess because of the sensitive nature of the artifacts, plus there were a lot of old things so camera flashes might've caused damage), but it was incredible. As soon as you walked in there was a Metropolitan Police car behind a barrier of police tape. It was so bleak, fascinating, humbling, and strange to see real crime evidence before your eyes. My favourite bits were the actual nooses used to execute murderers, the bit about the Krays (of course), and the burnt-out chair where a corpse was sitting when the police found it. It wasn't just murders and executions though; there were also sections on drugs, counterfeiting (my favourite!), police techniques, abortions, terrorism, disguised and homemade weapons, and robberies. It was so fascinating, and I would highly recommend going - the exhibit is running until April 10th next year, so if you can get down to London to see it, do! I bought the souvenir book of the exhibit as it's full of photos and information about it all for me to peruse at my leisure because - as you can probably imagine - the exhibition was packed.

By the time we got out of there, we were losing the light so I didn't much fancy going to Whitechapel. We just popped to Topshop on Oxford Street instead; I bought a pair of socks with Nefertiti on them, and Lana and I took some totally terrible and adorable photobooth pictures (we were roped in by the cute mint-coloured photobooth):

While I was wandering around the St Paul's area with Lana, I got a text from Paperchase saying that they want me to come in for an interview on October 25th! I'm really excited, and I hope I get the job. Paperchase is my favourite shop in the whole flamin' world (tied in first place with Waterstones), so I would be in my element there.

On Thursday Mum, Nan and I went to visit Ashleigh and Ethan - we all had withdrawal symptoms because we hadn't seen the baby for a couple of weeks. He's bigger yet again, and smiles and laughs so much. He also loves music - if you play music, set off one of his musical toys, sing to him, etc, he's so happy and involved. Especially if you dance with him too, or bounce him on your knee. My legs got a good work out because he's now 13 pounds in weight, and I was bouncing him on my knees for a good hour or so while Mum played him music (we'd told Ash to go upstairs and take a nap while we were there to keep Ethan occupied). 

Ethan had a very fashionable dinosaur-themed outfit on.

We had a nice lunch at Harvester, and caught up with Ashleigh. Ethan was really well behaved; he got a bit fussy towards the end of the meal because he was hot and bothered and probably quite bored too, but apart from that he was good as gold. I adore that child so much, he's just the most well behaved, placid, smiley and happy little thing. Also, while we were eating lunch, Mum got a phone call from Ryan saying he'd passed his driving test! First time around! We were all proud and so happy for him; I must admit I was slightly appalled that my 18-year-old brother can now legally drive and I cannot. My excuse is that I went to university so I have zero pounds.

Poor Health & Macbeth

It's taken me all day to get around to writing this post; I've felt really exhausted and rough all day. My head is killing me too, which doesn't help. I had a really broken sleep last night so - despite actually getting to sleep fairly early - I don't feel rested.

I feel like I'm in pretty poor health at the moment. I went to the doctors on Monday to follow up about my knees (I've heard nothing from the hospital about physiotherapy); turns out it could take anywhere up to four months for them to even get in contact, so I have to wait and see if they'll bother to get in touch before next month. In the meantime, the doctor gave me some physio exercises to do with my knees to hopefully help them a bit. As for the chronic exhaustion that I'm still suffering from, I've since had a full blood test to see if I'm anaemic again, or if anything else has gone haywire. It says a lot that I'm almost hoping that they do find something - at least I'd be able to get treatment and not be sleeping for almost 18 hours a day.

Still unemployed, but I'm continuing to push out applications. It's a long, hard slog but I know I'm not the only graduate in this position (as much as it feels like I am). While I wait for a foot in the door, I'm continuing to take care of myself, body and mind, to learn, and to try to experience things on my limited funds and energy.

I've also started making a conscious effort to be less harsh on myself; I kept making really strict schedules for every day and beating myself up if I didn't get everything done. It was unnecessary stress, and I'm slowly starting to get the hang of being less critical of myself, and trying to remember that I'm not operating at 100% so I need to adjust my expectations to reflect that. It's an uphill struggle because my default reaction is to tell myself I'm useless and a failure, but it has (so far) been worth it. I feel somewhat calmer and more able to actually get things done. It turns out stressing yourself out doesn't really help you get anywhere on your to do list.

On Tuesday, Susie and I went to see Macbeth (the movie, not the play) - it was utterly incredible. The cinematography was just stunning, the acting was heartrending, and by the end of the movie you could've heard a pin drop in that screen room. Everyone was silent and just awed by it. Susie and I took ages to get over how that movie made us feel. I can't even put it into words - my heart was pounding at the end. It was like adrenaline, even though the film wasn't scary. Whatever I was expecting from Macbeth, it was NOT that kind of trauma! Plus, Michael Fassbender is in it, and if that's not an incentive to watch it, I don't know what is. After the movie, we went to Kaspa's for a sundae - we felt we needed sugar after the shock to our systems. I had their very cherry sundae, and a soda float (I'm serious about the needing-sugar thing!). I would watch it again, but I feel like I'd need to really prepare myself emotionally for it.

Wednesday was baking day for me! I made neapolitan cupcakes, which came out really well and tasted beautiful! I was quite pleased with myself, having never attempted a double-layer cupcake like this before. Baking every week is really good for my psyche. It's something to focus on, results in something that everyone can enjoy, and it's therapeutic to do it all by hand. I wish I wasn't an idiot so I could make a business out of it!

On Friday, I got myself a ticket to an exhibition at the Museum of London. Basically, Scotland Yard (headquarters of the Metropolitan Police, who service most of London) have what is referred to colloquially as the 'Black Museum', which is a private collection of evidence from crimes. Historically, it's only ever been open to the police or invited guests, but now they've agreed to have an exhibit of some of the pieces! The exhibit opened yesterday, and I'm going on Wednesday. I'm so excited to see it, and I'll also be a 15-minute Tube ride away from the infamous Blind Beggar pub in Whitechapel (where Ronnie Kray shot and killed George Cornell), so I'll probably go and see that as well as Whitechapel itself (where Jack the Ripper played in the 1880's). It's going to be a grisly crime tour of London, and I cannot wait! My coach home isn't until 7:30pm, so I'll have plenty of time after the exhibition to explore.

Finally, I've been getting lots of love on twitter lately, which greatly feeds my need for validation. If you don't already follow me, whoomp here it is. I promise I'm funny sometimes.

(Another) New Start

    I've decided to make a commitment to updating this blog once a week. If I've done nothing interesting, I will make myself find something to talk about, or do a writing prompt. I need to keep writing something, anything, because I've gotten so rusty with it lately and I need to get back to my best. I hope that trying to update this blog will get me back on track. Of course if something interesting happens (like a day out, gig, etc) I will add a separate post just for that, but generally, there will now be a post every Sunday evening (GMT).

~ Kayleigh

Apple Events Suck

On Wednesday, Caz and I went to London to see a talk featuring Martha Howe-Douglas, Ben Willbond, and Laurence Rickard. They were promoting their new film, Bill, which is out today coincidentally! It's about what William Shakespeare did in his 'lost years' (or, what the Horrible Histories crew decided he did). It was really funny, and of course so surreal to see three amazing actors that I love in front of me.

Can't really see Martha because of that STUPID PILLAR.

Afterwards, we quickly dashed to the back of the room where Larry was chatting to someone. We got a quick hug from him, and got to tell him he's hilarious, BUT THEN.
I must rant about the Apple Store in Covent Garden. They had another event lined up straight after the Bill talk, but they were so rude to everyone. They started fielding Larry into a back room, and telling us to get lost basically. They threw all of the fans out who had come to meet the actors; Caz and I were especially pissed off because we'd travelled 2 hours to London to see these guys. We later found out that they threw the actors out straight away as well! We wouldn't have been so upset if they hadn't been so bloody rude about it. Not to mention the fact that that store is absolutely gigantic, they could have easily directed us to another area to meet/talk to the actors. It was so unfair as every other publicity event for Bill had the actors meeting people, and we got nothing. I won't be going to another Apple event; it was disorganised and a let-down, and the staff were absolutely dreadful to us.

We stood outside in the pouring rain (it had been hammering down all day, which only added to how annoyed and let-down we felt), and were moaning about how badly done the event was and how we only got about a minute to hug Larry and tell him he's fab. Then, I spotted Ben Willbond walking by! Literally, if I'd have blinked I would've missed him. So I quickly went over to him and asked if I could speak to him for a bit.

He was so lovely, and sighed in a defeated way when I called him 'Ben Won't-bond'. I also let him know that I loved him in The Thick Of It, and got a big hug from him. I may have also accidentally told him he's so much more handsome in real life (which is true). He was just as baffled as us about the poorly-run event, and was really guilty and gutted that he hadn't had a chance to talk to everyone and meet the fans. I was livid hearing that even the actors got treated like shit by that bloody store. He obliged to have a photo with Caz and I after we'd chatted for a bit, which was utterly lovely of him. He was on his own time, and it was pouring with rain, but he still had photos and was gracious and sweet the whole time. He was amazed at how far we'd come just to meet them, and was really sad that we didn't get to meet Martha or Larry (properly, I mean). I really am so mad at that Apple Store and the staff """running""" the event. But here is a lovely lovely photo of me looking like ugly trash next to the very handsome Ben Willbond!

I also saw this huge, (very) brightly-lit billboard in Leicester Square and had to immediately send a photo to Susie:

We went to see Legend on Tuesday, and it was just incredible. If you haven't seen it already, I urge you to do so! Tom Hardy was phenomenal in it; if he doesn't at least get nominated for an Oscar, I will be very surprised. The man did a fight scene with himself, for crying out loud. Susie and I joked that he could technically win Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor for the same movie, as he plays both of the Kray twins.

An Adventure in the Big Smoke

On Wednesday, I took my little brother Ryan to London for a day out and it was so much fun. What wasn't fun was waking up at 7am to be at the station in time for a 9:30am coach, but it was all up from there.

When we got there, I took him to see Trafalgar Square (18 years old and he's never seen it!), and he was suitably impressed. I then took him to mine and Mutti's favourite Wetherspoons, The Lord Moon of the Mall for lunch. It was a delicious lunch, and he made me laugh when all of the filling in his burger was falling out and he just looked at me, deadpan, and said, "White boy problems." I had the nicest Eton Mess for dessert, yum!

We embarked on the daring mission that made us plan the day trip in the first place. You may or may not know that Nicki Minaj (our favourite woman in the world) has a drink out called Myx Fusions; recently, it's started to be sold in the UK but there are only two locations in England at the moment. One is in Birmingham, and the other in South London. I was worried they wouldn't have it in stock or something, but it was there! Shelves and shelves of it! They had the original moscato grape, and the peach flavour. We bought a four pack of each flavour, then traded two bottles between ourselves. It was a tenner just for a four pack, but we were so thrilled that we'd found it.

An immediate drinking location was required, so I thought to get back into Central London and then get the Tube north to Camden. We went to Regent's Park and sprawled on the grass to try a bottle of Myx each. I tried the peach and Ryan tried the original, but we let each other have a sip of the respective flavours. It is SO nice, very sweet and fruity. It would be a perfect summer party drink. Here's a photo I took last night of me being an advert (fun fact: the official Myx Fusions account liked this picture on Instagram!):

I then showed Ryan Camden High Street, Camden Lock, Cyberdog (of course!), and the Stables Market, where we took advantage of the free samples of Thai chicken (deeeelicious!). He'd never been to Camden either, so of course I had to make sure he got to see how amazing it is there. He has fallen sufficiently in love with it, so now I can legally accept him as my brother.

At this point, Ryan also disclosed to me that - although he's been to King's Cross - he has never seen Platform 9¾! I immediately pushed him onto the Tube to go see it. Unfortunately the 'official' photographer person was there, and there was a huge queue for photos, so Ryan decided not to get his photo done. I was lucky back in 2012, when Sophie and I found the platform deserted and took free, casual photos! We had a quick turn around the accompanying Harry Potter shop but really, that place is always way too packed to have a decent look.

I then decided Ryan simply had to visit the CyberCandy shop near Leicester Square. So that was the next destination on the list. Again, Ryan was suitably impressed with all the amazing American/other sweets and treats on offer (though less impressed with the prices!). We had a KFC at Leicester Square, and I was glad to sit down because my knees were really starting to act up at this point. It had also started raining, which didn't help. There was an absolutely mad cleaning lady in there, who seemed to be the unofficial guardian of the disabled/baby change toilet. She had the key to get in and you had to ask her for it; Ryan and I witnessed many people being told off for leaving the door ajar when they left the bathroom. It was hilarious!

Ryan wanted to go and 'visit the Queen' (see Buckingham Palace again - he's been before but he really likes it). On popping out of a different exit of the Tube station at Charing Cross, I found this:

That's 'A Conversation With Oscar Wilde' by Maggi Hambling. I've read lots about it, being a fan of Wilde, but had never worked out where it was or happened across it. I wasn't expecting to find it, and there it was right in front of me! I personally think it's a brilliant piece of art. A lot of people say it's 'ugly' but I like that Wilde is emerging from a sarcophagus (that is also a bench) and smoking a cigarette. It was a pleasure to see the sculpture in real life! At this point, I also had to have a good talking-to to Ryan, because he didn't know who Oscar Wilde was. I was very close to resorting to violence.

As we were walking up the Mall towards the Palace, the rain got really bad. The raindrops were like bullets and it was so bloody cold. We spotted the Institute of Contemporary Arts, and quickly took shelter. I became enamoured with every book in the place (there was a lot on feminism and psychology, which interested me), and had to restrain myself from spending way too much money. There was also a postcard that said 'I Cunt Spell' on it, which tickled my fancy. Wish I'd gotten it now. While we were browsing, Ryan said, "Why do books always smell so weird?" to which I stopped in my tracks and said, "How dare you."

When the rain calmed down a bit, we ventured out again. The flag was up and the lights were on in Buckingham Palace, so we knew Mrs Queen was in. We waved at the Palace, just on the off-chance she was peeping out of the window. I love the Queen, and Buckingham Palace is always nice, no matter how many times you see it.

From the Palace, we strolled through Westminster to Parliament Square, where I took the best photo I've ever taken (may or may not be true - I just can't stress enough how proud I am of this picture):

That was the sky. It was totally beautiful, a mess of colours, stormy and turbulent and oppressive. I didn't care about 'looking like a tourist', I had to have a photo of that angry sky. I also got some painkillers because my knees were really throbbing and seizing up, and I was starting to noticeably hobble. Embarrassing. A 23-year-old walking like she's 80.

We stood by Big Ben because it was nearly 8pm and we wanted to hear the BONGs. We were there because Ryan wanted to see Big Ben all lit up at night (he'd never seen that in real life either), and look at the lit-up London Eye. After the (suitably impressve) BONGs, we crossed Westminster Bridge to where the London Eye is. It was nice to stroll alongside the Thames, amongst couples and families and friends just meandering and enjoying the evening. It wasn't too cold out, and everyone seemed to be having a good time.

Thus begins the stupidly-grainy photos because my phone can't handle the dark.

There was a slushie place on the bank (I can't for the life of me remember the name of it), that did mixes of different flavours, and you could also add a double shot of alcohol if you wanted! Obviously, Ryan and I capitalised on this right away. He had tequila, with an apple slush base and sour cherry mix. I had lemon and blood orange base, sour cherry mix, and vodka. They were so delicious, but kept giving us the most terrible brain-freeze. I have never had it that bad, and I'm convinced it was the alcohol's fault. It was nice to lean on the railings near the Thames, looking out at all the lights while an amazing fiddle player performed just down the walk from us.

On hearing the 9pm BONGs from Big Ben, we decided to get back to Victoria (our coach home was at 10pm). We were both absolutely knackered by the time we got to the coach station; it didn't help that the coach was slightly delayed. The ride home is a bit of a blur to me - Ryan and I put our headphones on because we were both tired and too many people had really crackly food packets (who needs to eat at 11pm? Seriously?), and it was annoying.

We had such a brilliant time! I love London anyway, and getting to show parts of it to someone who's not as familiar with the city was so fulfilling and exciting. We accomplished our Myx Fusions mission, had a brilliant day, and we were very sorry to come home. Ryan said he wanted to stay forever, and I kind of agree. I miss being near London and being able to pop there whenever I wanted. I will return for a trip as soon as I can!

Learning The Word 'Yes'

This blog has, yet again, become pretty derelict. I'm very aware that there aren't many people who would give much of a crap about my life and what's happening in it, but I like to blog. I like having somewhere to talk about fun things, bad things, interesting things. So here I am, yet again, trying to revive this blog.

The title of this post is referring to the fact that I've spent too much time hiding myself away, cancelling plans, and saying 'no' by default. It's a harsh side-effect of being depressed - you know you will probably have fun if you forced yourself to go out, but the motivation to make yourself get up, get dressed and presentable, and head out to meet someone/go somewhere, is just absent. It's a vicious cycle, though - the more you say no because you can't face going out, the more bitter and upset you feel about never going anywhere, doing anything, or seeing anyone. This has been me for most of 2015, and I'm now trying to break out of that damaging cycle.

Saying yes to things is difficult, but I'm trying my best to start agreeing to plans and making myself do things. So this week, so far, I have these plans!

• Tomorrow - I'm going to do some miscellaneous errands, finally download and watch the Hannibal finale, and I will be baking a lemon drizzle traybake. Mum asked if I could make one absolutely aaaages ago, and I've finally got the courage to give it a whirl.
• Wednesday - An early start because Ryan and I are catching the 9:30 coach to London for the day! We're going to go on a search for Nicki Minaj's Myx Moscato in the only place that (apparently) stocks it. We will also wander around some museums and just generally have a good day out in the big smoke. It'll be nice to spend a bit of time with my little brother in one of my favourite places in the world.
• Thursday - In the evening, Susie has invited me out to a cocktail bar that is also a hair salon (I know, I don't get it either but it sounds interesting); apparently it's quite a classy little place so we'll be wearing gorgeous dresses and red lippy and cocktails are actually my favourite thing in the world. It's going to be so fun!

I'm proud of myself just for these little things. There is also an embryonic plan with Caz to go bowling at the weekend, which is always a laugh. Maybe I'll have some stuff to actually talk about on this blog soon. Here's to hoping, anyway.