Harry Potter Studio Tour

Despite it opening 5 years ago, I hadn't had a chance to visit the Harry Potter studio tour in Watford. I didn't have the money or time. I've wanted to go since it opened, because I read every book the minute they came out, saw every film in the cinema, and quite often re-read the entire series just for fun. I won't say I'm the biggest, most dedicated fan ever, but I'm a big enough fan to really appreciate going to this experience. Harry Potter was a huge part of my youth from the age of 5, and is still dear to my heart today.

I got a nice surprise on my birthday this year. My Nan bought me a ticket to the tour to cheer me up a bit (I have been pretty miserable lately, a fact she'd clearly picked up on). I was thrilled! Then I learned that my little brother, Ryan, had bought himself a ticket too, and would be driving us there. So I didn't have to worry about getting there or anything else, and I'd have some company!

This past Friday, July 28th, three days before Harry Potter's birthday, the day finally came! And it was brilliant.

I got up obscenely early because our ticket time was 11:00. The drive was only about an hour and a half, but we left with plenty of time just in case there was unforeseen traffic (the traffic on the M25 was, of course, a given). I managed to stay awake on the drive because I was excited about the day, and because we played music from my iPod pretty loudly. We got there about an hour and a half before we were due to go into the tour. We parked up and saw that the place is two huge studio buildings, with Harry Potter posters up along the sides, and three of the chess pieces from Philosopher's Stone standing to one side. The photo above is the sign on the main entrance.

We were allowed into the 'lobby', which was good because it was freezing outside. We spent a long time looking around in the gift shop - there was so much merchandise, including a huge wand section and a section made to look like Honeydukes in Hogsmeade that sold a bunch of delicious sweets. I wanted to buy the lot! Speaking of food, we figured we'd get hungry during the tour so stopped in the cafe for a quick bite; I had a cheese sandwich and a strawberry cupcake.

We joined the line early, and so we got in a little before the start time on our ticket. The queue takes you past Harry's little cupboard under the stairs, the smallest set they made for the films. Literally everyone took a photo of it, which wasn't surprising. Before getting into the 'actual' tour, you sit in a cinema and watch a short clip about the studio narrated by Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, and Rupert Grint. Then the screen rises and you're faced with the door to the Great Hall from the films. Awesome!

We were surprised that the Great Hall was the first set that we saw. It was truly awesome, but it looked a bit smaller than it does in the films. There were mannequins scattered around, all wearing different costumes used in the movies. We spent time wandering around and taking in all the details (there are many, it must have taken so long to create). The ceiling was not the sky, however - all that was up there were studio lights. We later saw a scale model of what the ceiling would look like, which was used as the background in the films, while the sky was edited on top with CGI. Brilliant!

For this summer, they have a special exhibit called Wizarding Wardrobes. It opened only a week before Ryan and I went, and will continue until September 27th. There are already costumes around the tour, but this special exhibit means that so many more are scattered around including several of Rita Skeeter's crazy ensembles, Lupin's ripped clothes from the scene of his werewolf transformation, and the smoking pink suit worn by Dolores Umbridge when she was singed by Fred & George Weasley's fireworks (amongst many others). There were also countless hats and accessories that were part of this special exhibit, and lots of videos showing about how things were made by the fabulous costume department.

There were so many amazing sets, or pieces of sets, throughout the tour. Some of these included: the Charity Burbage table scene from Deathly Hallows Part 1, the Potions dungeon, Dumbledore's office, the Gryffindor common room, one of the black-and-green walls from the Ministry of Magic, and many more. I won't make an exhaustive list - I'll be here all day, and I don't want to spoil everything for people who haven't been yet. There were sections on magical vehicles, including the filming/editing processes behind Quidditch games; creature building and animation; a display of Dark artifacts and Death Eater masks; and lots and lots of architecture. One of the most amazing things I saw was the horrifying 'Magic is Might' statue, installed into the Voldemort-run Ministry in the final films. This statue was apparently hand-crafted by one man, which awes me. It must have taken forever. It's totally amazing, even if it is a horrid symbol of oppression in the books and films.

Dumbledore's Office

Potions Class

'Magic is Might'

In March of this year, they opened a new section of the Studio Tour - a mock-up of the Forbidden Forest on the grounds of Hogwarts. So of course, Ryan and I got to see this when we visited. It was really hard to take photos of it because the trees are so big and it's really dark in there (my poor iPhone cannot handle the dark), but it was really cool. The ground felt springy with shed leaves and pine needles, it was chilly, and pressing some buttons made lightning occur, along with thunder and rain sound effects. There were recreations of Buckbeak the Hippogriff and the Acromantula that lurked in there (of course including the biggest one of all, Hagrid's spider friend Aragog).

Beyond a smaller gift shop was my first favourite part of the tour: Platform 9¾! I've visited the smaller installation that's actually at King's Cross station in London. This one was more extensive, obviously. There were a few sections of the wall with trolleys and luggage sticking out of them for you to take photos of you 'going through the wall'. There was another gift shop, disguised as a railway store and a Daily Prophet stand. And, of course, there was the Hogwarts Express. We were able to go into one of the carriages and each compartment had been set up to look like the train in each film. My favourite was the Prisoner of Azkaban one because the windows were all frosted up, signifying Dementors.

Beyond Platform 9¾ was what we were told was the halfway point. There was a big cafe where people could fill up and rest for a while, as well as a Butterbeer bar. We simply had to try some! We learned that only four places in the whole world sells Butterbeer (I figure one place is the Orlando Wizarding World of Harry Potter, but I don't know the others). It tastes really unusual, kind of like fizzy caramel/vanilla. The foam on top expands at an alarming rate, so it looked like my cup kept refilling itself.

We drank our Butterbeer in the small outside section, where there were some exterior sets. There was the Hogwart's Bridge, the huge purple Knight Bus, 4 Privet Drive, and the Potter Cottage (complete with the blasted open roof where Voldemort's curse backfired). You could walk across the bridge, but you could only sit in a small back part of the Knight Bus - the rest is closed off to preserve the sets. Outside there were also Arthur Weasley's flying Ford Anglia and Sirius Black's/Hagrid's flying motorcycle. There were also more chess pieces from Philosopher's Stone.

The Potter Cottage (Pottage??)

The Knight Bus

Me at the Privet Drive Sign

You could also go inside 4 Privet Drive. It was a set house, so there was no upstairs and the only room open for us to peek into was the living room, where hundreds of Hogwarts letters were suspended in the air. It was fun to see swimming certificates and photos of Dudley Dursley on the walls.

Honestly, there were so many props and sets and costumes, but there were also endless drawings and blueprints from the art department. There were amazing white card models of all kinds of sets (including the entire village of Hogsmeade), I can't imagine how long it took to draw, prototype, and then model all of this stuff. I don't think the art department get nearly enough credit - absolutely tonnes of work went into this, and I doubt we even saw a tiny percentage of all the concept art and models created for it.

My second favourite part of the whole tour was the studio set of Diagon Alley. Obviously, it was just shop fronts with the windows dressed, but it was so cool to stand there and look around at everything. It was colourful and fascinating to peer into all of the windows and watch the moving parts on the storefronts. Gringotts was also really cool, a tall wonky building in the corner of the Alley. I couldn't capture the whole thing in one photo (in the one below, Gringotts was just behind me), but I did my best.

The penultimate part of the tour was probably the most stunning and unexpected. A gigantic sculpture of Hogwarts, that must have taken so long to make, sat in the middle of a big room, with a sloped walkway taking you all the way around the thing and to the bottom. The lights periodically dimmed and little lamplights would appear inside the sculpture's windows. It was so amazing, we spent ages in there looking at it from all angles and marvelling at how beautifully built it was.

The last part was part of the interior of Ollivander's wand shop. Every wand box had a different name on it. These were wizards and witches not even mentioned in the books and films, and yet they went to all the effort to label every individual box. They were stacked floor to ceiling all around the place. It was a pretty great place for the tour to end, and we exited (into the wand section of the gift shop, of course). I'm pretty skint at the moment so I only grabbed myself a postcard of the Sirius Black wanted poster, and a green lollipop shaped like the Dark Mark.

Obviously I took waaaaay more photos than this, and there's so many things that I've left out. This is for two simple reasons. 1) I didn't want this post to just be a spam of over 100 photographs (seriously!), and 2) I don't want to spoil everything for people who might want to visit and see it all for themselves. I've been purposely vague so as not to ruin all of the surprises. I also had a horrible revelation after the tour, when reviewing the photos: When someone else takes my picture, I look so awkward and terrible. I know how to take a good selfie, but that's not really useful in something like this because the background is the most important part!

Anyway, I would totally recommend getting down to the Studio Tour if you like Harry Potter. It was actually longer and way more packed with stuff than I thought it would be (always a pessimist). We didn't even manage to read all of the signs and things in there, or we would've taken even longer. Apparently, someone has actually spent 13 hours in the place! They must have read everything, watched everything, and gone on all of the green screen experiences. Amazing! Here's a bonus photo of me and my little bro, totally buzzing:

I Deleted My Website

After months of considering it, I've shut down my website. My reasoning was really simple. I got the website to host my blog on, and then had gotten some terrible writer's block (which is not unusual for me). That coupled with a new bout of depression just knocked me for six and I started feeling panicky and guilty whenever I thought about my website. I'd paid for it and it was just sitting there, not being updated, not even being looked at. I couldn't gather the strength to write posts, or think of ideas, or anything.

Blogging also became a chore, something to worry about. I used to enjoy it. Then I was holding myself up to ridiculous standards that I couldn't meet, all because I'd spent money on it. I know eventually that I will have to have a proper website, if I want to get anywhere with the blogging thing. But trying to force something that you're not ready or willing to do isn't the way to go about it either.

It took a long time to admit that I was wasting the money, that maybe I'm not ready to have an actual paid-for blog yet. I tend to worry that people who don't have a shiny domain to host their blog don't get taken seriously. But I have to be a bit selfish at the moment and consider what's best for me. I know I won't be updating consistently, so coming back to Blogspot and 'casual' blogging is the better option at the moment. Hopefully people will continue to read my posts and understand that I still want to blog.

Honestly, I feel so much better now. I feel like it won't matter if I'm having a block, or creative drought, or whatever. Because I can come back to it when I'm ready, and that's so important. I won't make any promises as to when I'll be posting, or what, but I hope it's soon.

Heroes & Villains Fan Fest 2017

I hadn't heard of Heroes & Villains before, and it was quite by accident that I saw an advertisement for it. I was on Facebook and an ad came up saying that Robin Lord Taylor was attending the con. For those who don't know, he plays Oswald Cobblepot (The Penguin) in the TV show Gotham. It's one of my favourite shows, and he's one of my favourite people in it. I immediately booked a general admission ticket to get in. Imagine how thrilled I was when four other cast members were announced. Originally, it was: David Mazouz (Bruce Wayne), Sean Pertwee (Alfred Pennyworth), Drew Powell (Butch Gilzean) and Cory Michael Smith (Ed Nygma/The Riddler). Unfortunately, Cory had to cancel because he's shooting a new film. He was replaced by the lovely Jessica Lucas (Tabitha Galavan/Tigress)

I booked a room at the Premier Kensington, a hotel a stone's throw from Earl's Court Tube station. It was exactly what I needed - not far from the Heroes & Villains venue, small but practical and clean. The staff were really friendly and helpful, too. I only needed it to sleep and shower, so it was a perfect, reasonably-priced base camp.

Then it was simply a case of waiting for six months for May 2017 to come!

On the day, I left the hotel at about 07:30, and walked to the Olympia; it really wasn't far, about a 15-minute walk. On the way though, I seriously felt faint and sick. I don't know if it was nerves or tiredness (maybe both?) but it was so unpleasant and a bit worrying.

Will Call (which is where you change your tickets for a wristband/lanyard) was relatively painless, as I got there pretty much bang on time. I got my wristband that said 'HERO' on it, and met a nice kid and her mum - we hung out together while waiting to be let into the con. I'm so grateful for them; it would have been really boring if I had to wait on my own.

There was an older guy who appeared on the balcony above us to announce that us peasants (general admission) were to be allowed in half an hour early! Everyone cheered really loudly and he was loving the fame. He had a power trip by making us do a Mexican wave before we were let in.

I legged it straight to Robin's table and was right near the front of the queue. Robin took ages to show up but seeing him in real life was amazing. He's so tiny and gorgeous. He was waving and blowing kisses as he got himself situated at the table. Meeting him was in doubt for a horrible while because they were letting so many VIPs through and NO general admission people. I really resent that having more money = guaranteed to meet/chat to the guests. It's like if you can't afford it you're not 'as good a fan'. It really bugged me because it made the queues horrible at the con. More power to you if you can afford a VIP ticket, but I still feel like it's not fair on other people who have also paid.

Luckily the guy in front of me (if by some miracle you're reading this Adam, thank you so much!) told me to pretend we were there as a group so we could both go at the same time. It's probably thanks to him that I got to meet Robin at all. His line was crazy long all day - if I hadn't gone straight to him I doubt it would've happened.

So I got to meet Robin! I dropped £55 on an autograph/selfie combo but it was so worth it! Instead of a wall of writing about it, I'm gonna bullet point what happened:

• He shook my hand and asked for my name, then signed my season 2 DVD sleeve. I didn't really think that one through - there wasn't much space to write on, so his autograph is really cramped. I said "Yeah good luck writing on that."
  
• He kept calling me 'darling' and 'love'. I usually hate pet names. He got away with it.
  
• I gave him this small pride flag pin that I bought for him and he got really excited. "Thank you! Aww, that's amazing!" He then pinned it onto his shirt.
  
• He came around the table to hug me/take selfies and said, "I love your hair!" which threw me off a bit (I'm still not over it, by the way). I showed him my Oswald necklace ("Oh WOW!") and gave him the biggest hug. He apologised for being 'so sweaty, it's SO warm in here'. He was sort of damp.
  
• We took a cute selfie then I said "Be ugly!" and he did an ugly photo with me. Top lad! I then said, "Be nice again." and got a cheeky third photo. He had his arm tight around me the whole time and was just so lovely.

• I said thanks and he said, "Thank you, I love you!" 

I didn't say anything that I wanted to tell him - how wonderful and brave and positive he is. I just kind of clammed up (which isn't like me) and I'm gutted that I didn't say more/have more time with him. He's so sweet and so incredibly beautiful as a person.

Straight after I was done with Robin I had to go and pick up my photo op with him (although nothing would top the Hideous Selfie). I got chatting to two girls behind me, Holly and Ali, who were dressed as the Riddler's henchgirls, Query and Echo. They'd decided on the costumes when Cory was announced and were gutted that he'd cancelled. They laughed when I called him a 'stupid giraffe man' (with all the love in the world, of course). We had a great chat about Gotham, our ships, and how there are always Harley Quinns and Deadpools at cons. They said to wait for them after my photo op and basically adopted me for the rest of the day ♥

As soon as I walked into the op, Robin was like "Hello again!" He held his hand out for me to shake. I was like 'lol no' and hugged him again. His pin was gone so I asked after it - he told me it kept getting knocked off so he put it away safely at the table. Then we took our picture and he said, "Bye darling!" Holly and Ali were soon done ("Aww, Robin called you DARLING.") and we went to pick up our photos together. I look so ugly in mine, I was really upset. Robin, of course, looks adorable. So that was a bit disappointing. I really ought to have known, I always look terrible when other people take my photo.

After we'd collected our photos, Holly and Ali invited me to Costa with them. We hadn't eaten so we were all feeling a bit rough. While we had cold drinks in the sun, we tweeted Cory about how much he was missing. We got back to Olympia for the Gotham panel. We didn't manage to get seats so a bunch of us sat on the floor. At one point, Drew Powell pointed his phone at us shouting, "THIS IS FOR THE CHEAP SEATS." so we'd all cheer on his video.

Also, Milo Ventimiglia was there.

The panel was fun. It was so strange to see them in the flesh. My legs were aching by the end but I'm glad I got to see it. Some highlights:

• Drew: David has pyjamas with pictures of Christian Bale on. Not as Batman, just photos of Christian Bale.
  David: ... I told you that in private, Drew.
• Jessica: I have the 'Butch look' that Tabitha always gives him. I also give Drew the 'Butch look'.
  Robin: Is it the Butch look or the BITCH look?
• Robin saying his inspiration was his mum (and finding out his mum was there somewhere!).
• Drew: My first job was a commercial when I was ten. I used the money to by a Pacman watch, which was FREAKIN' AWESOME.
• All of them being so astonished that they have so many UK fans, and how much they seemed to enjoy themselves!

After the panel I went straight to Sean's table. The queue was looooong. I spent my time chatting to two hilarious girls from Dover and a girl with an awesome guy dressed as male Poison Ivy. It took over an hour to get to Sean but his manager thanked me for my patience - he was sweet. I told Sean that I had orders from my mum to give him a big hug and he came around the table and gave me one. I think he thought I was only there because of my mum, which I feel stupid about. I totally forgot to tell him how I also love him. He was such a gent, even though he was pressed for time. He's so handsome and tanned in real life, with the brightest blue eyes. I took some photos and he told me to give mum his best. So sweet, and he smelled nice!

Holly, Ali and I wandered around the stalls, browsing for a bit, and went to Pizza Express for dinner. We had a laugh while we ate, especially when I referred to Jack the Ripper as 'Mr The Ripper'. After dinner we went to their hotel room and watched Doctor Who, then talked about Gotham for ages. I had such a great day!

Overall, Heroes & Villains was a lot of fun and I'm so glad I went. My main objective (to meet Robin) was met, so I was happy. I like that the con is more focused on getting people the chance to meet their favourites, rather than having tonnes of stalls and things like, say, MCM does. The stalls they did have were cute and interesting, and there were other things (like some kind of live-action horror thing) that I didn't have time to see because of all the queueing. If I were to go again, I think I'll actually take the plunge and buy a "VIP" ticket, so I can avoid having to stand around for hours. By the end of the day, my bad knee was in agony (and actually collapsed the next day, something that hadn't happened for a year) so I think it'd be better for both my health and patience to have a shorter wait time for guests. And I'd like to experience more of the con next time, too!

25 Things I've Learned In 25 Years

On April 7th (last Friday), I turned 25. A whole quarter-century! Celebrations were pretty tame and standard this year. On the Thursday, Caz and I went to see Ghost in the Shell because I have the biggest crush on Michael Pitt, and wanted to see his face on a huge screen. I know it's been panned by a lot of people, but I personally really enjoyed it. It was visually stunning, and good at telling the story to people who haven't experienced the manga.

For my actual birthday, I just went to lunch with my mum, brother, nephew, and Caz, which was nice! I didn't really do anything huge because I'm saving money for when I go to London in May, which will remain cloaked in mystery for now. I got a bunch of money for my birthday too, so that's gone towards the savings. I'm also excited because my Nan bought me tickets to the Harry Potter studio tour in July. I've never been, and have wanted to go ever since it opened. It's going to be awesome!

This post won't be full of whimsy and positivity and yes, it's mostly opinions formed by me in my years of life, but I'm trying to be as realistic as I can. Life is rich with positive and negative experiences, and I wanted to try to reflect that when I was thinking about things for this list. I'm also ashamed to admit how long it actually took me to come up with 25 things that I've learned. I drew from advice I give people younger than me when they ask for my opinion, and also things that I've learned about myself as I've grown.

1. DON'T BE AFRAID TO CUT NEGATIVE PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

For years, I let people treat me terribly because I was too afraid of being alone, or ruining friendships. But eventually, I got too old to pander to people and let them walk all over me. You're not a terrible person for cutting off people who just drag you down and make you feel miserable. Sometimes, you have to be selfish and ask yourself what this friendship/relationship is doing for you, and if it's doing nothing but causing pain, you have every right to end it and walk away. It took me so long to learn this, and to accept it as something I could and should do.

2. STUDY HARD, AND NEVER STOP LEARNING.

I am naturally intelligent, but my problem is that I was complacent and lazy in school/uni. I never had to study so I never learned how to discipline myself when it came to coursework and exam revision. I could have done so much better if I'd applied myself, but because I never had to try, by the time it mattered I didn't have the skills to excel. I don't have bad grades, I just never reached my full potential. And I'll regret that every day. So I tell everybody younger than me to work hard at school/university and be the best they possibly can.

The other part of this one is to never, ever stop learning. I cannot understand or abide people who finish school and then go out of their way to not learn. There is so much wonder in the world, so many different things to know. I'm constantly trying to learn things, evidenced by how I'm a font of useless trivia, and did-you-knows. I've been told that makes me interesting to speak to, because I like to pass on things that I've learned to other people. I can't imagine not seeking out new things to learn and understand. I want to know everything.

3. LIFE NEVER, EVER TURNS OUT HOW YOU EXPECT IT TO.

I thought (rather naively) that by 25, I would have a decent job, my own place, and know what I was doing in life. It hasn't gone that way at all. No matter what you want or expect for life, I can almost guarantee that it won't turn out that way. Priorities also change, so what you wanted at 18 might not be what you want when you're in your twenties. I'm disappointed that I haven't been 'successful' yet in life, but on the flip side, I never thought I would have spent 2 months in the USA when I was 22. Life is full of surprises!

4. IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK.

There's so much pressure to always be positive and not 'bring down' other people's moods, and I feel like that's a really unhealthy way to think. There's such a culture of holding back and not allowing ourselves to feel bad about something. It's completely ok to not be happy all of the time. The people who actually care about you would rather you were honest about how you're feeling, believe me. I'm not saying to bare your soul to every single person, but don't hide away from the people who know and love you the most. Additionally (and I'm still working on this one), try not to beat yourself up if you have a bad day. When I'm feeling exhausted and unproductive, I have a bad habit of tormenting myself over it, and it's really unhelpful. I'm trying hard to be nicer to myself.

5. INSTAGRAM LIFE VS REAL LIFE.

Think about the work that goes into your Instagram posts. I'll bet you take several photos, get the lighting sorted, filter/edit it so it looks just right, and then post it. We tend to forget that basically everybody goes through this process of selection and editing, and it leads to feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. You must remember that social media is where people show the polished, thought-out version of themselves, and that you are also guilty of doing the same. I'm forever feeling envious of the people that I follow (especially those that get to travel a lot), and I could do with remembering this one myself a lot of the time.

6. MONEY CAN GO A LONG WAY TOWARDS BUYING HAPPINESS.

I'm tired of the 'money can't buy happiness' thing. To an extent, it totally can. Money pays for shelter, security, food and drink, health, travel, and nice things. It makes it so that you don't have to worry about where your next meal is coming from, or whether you can afford to go to the dentist this month. I don't know, I feel like I'd be a lot happier if I could afford to live alone and travel more. I might be wrong.

7. WATER IS SO IMPORTANT - STAY HYDRATED!!

I'm a Water Bore. As a kid, I never drank water (and by kid, I mean all the way up until age 20), and wondered why I felt so crummy a lot of the time - I'd get terrible, swimming headaches, and feel lethargic by the end of the day. Since I made a concerted effort to drink at least 1 litre of water a day (2 is my daily goal), my body has felt so much cleaner and more refreshed. I no longer get swimming headaches because I don't let myself get that dehydrated any more.

8. ALWAYS BE OPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS AND EXPERIENCES. BE OPEN MINDED FULL STOP.

This also ties in with the learning thing. Other people and other cultures are so interesting to hear about. I'm not a religious person, but I love reading about religious belief on an academic level. I like to hear perspectives from people of different race, sexuality, and culture to myself. It makes life so much more interesting and exciting. A lot of the world's problems are caused by intolerance, and I feel like if people were less narrow-minded, everybody would get on a whole lot better. Don't belittle others for what they think, feel, or believe in. And don't let others make you feel like crap for your beliefs.

9. TRAVEL IS ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT.

Ok, I may be biased on this one. I'm at my happiest when I'm exploring somewhere new. I love to travel, the whole process of it is exciting. Planning a trip, the physical travelling, and being in a whole new place with so much to see and experience. I feel like it's so good for you, body and soul. It also can be linked back to the previous point on this list - travelling allows you to learn more about other people and cultures different to yours. It opens your mind and expands your tolerance and understanding. I wish more than anything that I had the resources to travel so much more than I'm able to right now. I feel like there's a whole world I'm missing out on.

10. MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS PHYSICAL HEALTH.

This one took me forever to learn, because society as a whole still doesn't hold mental illness up to the same sympathetic standards as physical illnesses. It's unfortunate. But if you do suffer from a mental illness, the most important thing you have to learn is that it is just as valid as any physical illness. Taking care of your mental health is so, so important - not doing so can actually end up having a physical toll on you, and you stop enjoying life as you should. Take care of your brain as well as your body!

11. YOU DON'T GET STUFF JUST BECAUSE YOU HOPE FOR IT.

Life is not easy. Apart from very, very few exceptions, everyone works their ass off to get the things they want. You may scoff at the Instagram model who gets thousands of pounds for 'just taking selfies', but you haven't seen her hustle for years, perfect taking portraits of her outfits, reach out to influencers and brands to get the word out, and all the rest of it. It's easy to deride somebody who seems to 'do nothing' and make a living from it, but more often than not, they've put in work every day for years before getting any results. It's like anything you want in life - a career, experiences, or even just material things. You don't just get given stuff, you have to work for it and earn it.

12. BE HONEST, BUT NOT BRUTAL.

I despise the phrase 'brutally honest'. More often than not, people use it as a pass to be a dick, and then as a defence when someone reacts badly. "You obviously can't deal with the truth!" No, there are ways to be truthful and tactful. There's no need to be hurtful just for the sake of it. I do think that honesty is very important, though. I find that people appreciate a painful truth so much more than a lie. It's just more constructive, and I don't see why people feel the need to lie to others, especially people close to them. Linked to this is to be true to yourself. Be open about what you enjoy, what you hate, and what is important to you. There's nothing worse than someone who changes their personality to benefit those they're around at the time.

13. DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT WHAT YOU LOVE.

Have you ever been talking excitedly about something and someone says "Calm down" to you? Yeah, I hate that. I don't know when it became 'cool' to never be excited or express any interest in life, but it's really rude to shoot down someone who is talking about something they enjoy. I love it when people are passionate. Even if I haven't got the slightest interest in the subject, I still listen and learn from them because of how infectious someone's excitement can be. Apathy is so overrated, and I don't know why people think it's a good trait to have. I'm only apathetic when I'm extremely depressed so, for me, it's a ridiculously negative feeling.

14. EXERCISE IS HORRIBLE AND I ONLY DO IT OUT OF NECESSITY.

I will never, ever understand people that talk and talk about exercising and going to the gym and calories and all the rest of it. This is a personal preference - I fully understand that some people have an interest in exercise and sports, and that it's exciting to them. I just... Don't get it. I exercise only to lose weight and try to get into shape again. I'm not interested in it at all, and I don't enjoy it. I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, as well as having problems with the cartilage in my knees, so exercise actually causes me a lot of pain and misery if I overdo it. Maybe if it weren't for that, I'd like it a lot more. Who knows?

15. A LOT OF WHAT YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU WAS RIGHT.

Occasionally, I'll experience something in life and think 'oh shit, Mum told me this'. It's so hard to admit that all of your Mum's annoying sayings and advice was right. But it usually is. If you're still a young 'un, I would suggest taking a lot more stock in what your mother tells you. Even if it's annoying and a drag right now, you'll eventually realise that she's speaking from experience and is trying her best to forewarn and forearm you.

16. I NEVER WANT CHILDREN, BUT I LOVE BEING AN AUNT.

I'm not maternal. I hear a baby crying in a shop and it just makes me want to get out of there. Small kids annoy me because they're always sticky and they have really loud voices. I'm not even slightly interested in having children, because all I seem to hear from parents is how tiring and annoying and disgusting it can be. I know that's not what all parents feel like all the time, but it's not really encouraging to hear more complaints than you hear good things.

I do, however, love being an aunt. I get to have the kids when they're fun. As soon as they make a smell, or start whinging, I can just.. Give them back. And that suits me fine. It's ok to not want children, even though (especially if you're female) everyone still seems to think that's something you HAVE to do in life. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't want to be a parent, and it's gross that people try to make you feel that way.

17. UNIVERSITY ISN'T A KEY TO THE DOOR ANY MORE.

This is probably the hardest lesson I've learned in my life, the most bitter pill I've had to swallow. As recently as the 90s, degrees were a pretty sure-fire way to kickstart a career, or at least get a foot in the door of the industry you wanted to be in. Because so many people now have access to university, degrees are a dime a dozen and the already-strained job market cannot accommodate so many graduates. It's a sad reality of the current economic climate. I graduated from university in 2014, and I haven't used my degree yet. I thought it would be helpful, and the beginning to a great career. It's been pretty crushing to realise that it's not the 'key to the door' any more. It's also hard to feel like you've wasted so much money and time on something that may not benefit you.

18. IT'S REALLY HARD TO MAKE (NON-ONLINE) FRIENDS AS AN ADULT.

Unless you're naturally a very confident, friendly person, you will struggle to make friends as an adult. It's easier in school or university, because you kind of have to make friends, and there are so many people around you that it's easier to just strike up conversations. As an adult, especially one who isn't very confident or doesn't go out much, it's really hard. Things are a bit different now, in that it's so easy to meet like-minded people online and make friends that way. But it's very easy to get lonely when you just have 'virtual' friends. Whether we like it or not, humans are social creatures, and it's difficult to feel good when you're alone most of the time.

19. YOU'RE ALLOWED TO FEEL SAD ABOUT INADEQUACIES IN YOUR LIFE, WITHOUT IT BEING 'UNFAIR' TO SOMEONE WORSE OFF.

It really, really pisses me off when people are quick to point out how 'other people have it worse than you'. Somebody else's suffering does not negate the way you feel right now. It's like turning to someone who's just won the lottery and saying, "Yeah, well Bill Gates is a billionaire - he's way better off than you." It's just a shitty thing to do. If you're unhappy with aspects of your life, you are valid and you are allowed to feel that way. For example, I've been really depressed lately for fully circumstantial reasons. I'm unhappy in my job because I don't make enough money to move out, be independent, or do anything I'm interested in. Somebody telling me there are people worse off than me is not helpful to me; it just makes me feel guilty and ungrateful when really... Why shouldn't I strive for more in my life than just scraping by, living in the box-room in my mother's house? Why shouldn't I work to better myself and feel happier in my life? My situation isn't the worst in the world, but it's the worst to me. How is reminding me of people worse off helpful or constructive? It isn't. It just makes me feel worse.

20. EVERYBODY'S JUST WINGING IT.

Do you ever look around and think that everybody else has all their shit together, and are doing so well and being so successful in life? Honestly, they're probably just as scared and confused as you are. Most people I've met and spoken to, from all walks of life, from all sorts of careers, aren't quite sure how they got there. Of course, they worked hard and made choices, but most of the time they were flying blind. Nobody knows what they're doing in life, we're all just trying to make it somehow. And I find that incredibly comforting.

21. REACH OUT FOR HELP WHEN YOU'RE STRUGGLING.

Don't be a martyr. No matter what you're going through, there is someone, somewhere that can help you. Even just talking something through with another person can be helpful. This can apply to any situation be it work, social, school, physical/mental health, or home life. If you're sinking on your own, it's not a bad thing to reach out for someone to help buoy you up, or give you the resources to help yourself. It's uncomfortable to ask for help, and difficult to make the leap. But in the end, you'll be glad you did.

22. DON'T BE AFRAID TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

Don't let people treat you like shit because you're too polite. Be polite and civil up until the point that they're not. As soon as somebody starts being abusive towards you, even if it's just something they're saying that's upsetting you, stand your ground. Tell them that it's not kind and not acceptable for them to be treating you like that. Of course, I'm not saying get into fights and altercations all the time, but if somebody (especially if they're meant to be a friend/family member) is treating you awfully, you ought to speak up. If you don't feel safe doing so, remember the previous point on this list - reach out to somebody and tell them what's happening.

23. NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE YOU.

It's a sad fact, I know. You're so brilliant! Unfortunately, not everybody you meet will see that. This one takes a long time to accept, but sometimes people just don't 'click'. Unless they're openly and ridiculously hateful from the off, the best thing is to try not to take it personally. You're just incompatible (or they're just an ass). There's nothing you can do about that. If it's somebody you absolutely cannot avoid, always be polite and cordial with them. It's not being two-faced, it's being an adult. It's making things more comfortable for everybody - no one wants to be in a room with snarky comments and a bad atmosphere.

24. DON'T TAKE YOUR METABOLISM FOR GRANTED!

I was a skinny kid. I was a skinny teenager. Pretty much as soon as I hit 20, I piled weight on. My amazing metabolism deserted me, probably when I needed it most (in university, when takeaways and alcohol were my diet). Now I'm finding it nigh impossible to shift the excess weight and it's making me absolutely miserable. Please, please don't take your speedy metabolism for granted, if you're lucky enough to be born with one. Start getting into the habit of exercising and eating right, even though you don't 'need' to yet. Because one day, it will fail you and you won't have the discipline to stop getting bigger. It happened to me.

25. THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT ON LIFE EVENTS.

Get a job/career, save up money to buy a house, get married, travel the world, have a family, etc. We still seem to put a time limit on big life events. Like you have to be married by x age, or you're a useless spinster. Unfortunately, all of these things take more time now, thanks to the recession and subsequent crap job market. Most people in my generation can't afford to move into their own house; they're either still at home, or they live with a bunch of other people. Similarly, most people I know aren't in a long-term relationship because they don't meet people (I also find Tinder etc are NOT a fix for this). Society is changing a lot in recent years, and I think people need to remember that instead of expecting people to move out at 18 like they could when everyone had a job and the housing market was a doddle to get into.

~*~

It took me a long time to write this (I've been drafting it for weeks), firstly because it was hard to come up with 25 important things that I've learned in life. It was also hard to think of things that could apply to most people, to make this more relatable to read. But it was also difficult because some of these 'lessons' have been painful and hard to learn for me. Life isn't always positive. Unfortunately, I often find it's far more negative than positive. I'm hoping one day I can turn that around.

What are your important life lessons? 

2017 - Goals For The Year

I’m really not a fan of New Year’s resolutions. I have an innate guilt complex, so not achieving resolutions sends me into a spiral of self-deprecation. However, I like having a list of goals. Pretty contradictory, I know, but the word ‘goals’ is less intimidating to me and if I didn’t write down things to work towards, I’d never get anything done. So here they are, realistic or not – the goals I want to work towards in 2017.

• Get my blog off the ground, continuing to update regularly and connect with other blogs that I enjoy.
• Lose weight.
• Save up money for trips and leisure, as well as towards moving out of my parental home.
• Continue to track habits, mood/symptoms, and expenses. Try to stay organised and learn any patterns between the things that I track.
• Keep up with the daily diary that I bought for this year. Write a few lines every day about what I did, how I feel, and daily stats.
• Continue learning. I will continue studying hieroglyphs, but I’d like to start learning calligraphy and sign language.
• Get at least one new tattoo.
• Read at least one book a month. I’m a self-confessed bookworm, I always have been, but I’ve been slacking. I used to read so much. I’d like to get back into the habit, and spend less time just dossing around.
• Keep up with hydration and eating properly.
• Hit 5000 followers on Twitter.
• Bake regularly, and challenge myself with it. I need to do more awesome recipes, like the shattered glass cupcakes I made for Halloween.
• Do yoga every evening. I’ve found it incredibly helpful for my joints and muscles (I have a lot of pain in them due to fibromyalgia), and I think it would be good for me to do it really regularly.
• Look after my nails. I want to have lovely, tidy nails by the end of 2017. I’m tired of my hands being wrecked from dermatillomania – back in 2011, I managed to get it under control and had well-kept nails. If I can get back there by the end of the year, I’ll be happy!
• Spend less frivolously. This ties in with saving money (as above), but I felt it needed its own bullet point. I’m guilty of impulse buying and spending on things that aren’t really essential. I need to do less of that.
• Finally, I’m going to give up chocolate for the whole year. I’m not a huge chocoholic, but I do eat it fairly regularly, and I do sometimes get a real hankering for it. I feel like cutting it out will help tremendously with eating better and losing weight. I was inspired to do this by my brother Liam and sister-in-law Ashleigh, who cut chocolate out for the whole of 2016.

Two Weeks Later

I've been so focused on being organised and productive that I haven't written a blog for two weeks. I have, however, been keeping some rough notes of what to write here today. I will allow myself to feel okay about not posting - as I said in my previous post, I'm trying to be nicer to myself. I'm doing pretty well with it, and I find I'm feeling a lot calmer for it. This may seem totally obvious to most people, but being a pessimist with zero self-esteem hinders one's ability to be compassionate toward oneself. The way I'm re-calibrating my knee-jerk thoughts of you're rubbish at everything and also useless, is to think about what I would say to a friend who was feeling this way. I would never speak to a friend how I speak to myself, and really... If you can't be your own friend, you tend to get into a vicious cycle of self-blame and punishment. Not productive at all. Anyway, here are the highlights of the past two weeks!

Again in my previous post, I mentioned that I'd finally started to learn hieroglyphics from this book:

I've been trying to look at the book a few times a week, and make notes on what I'm reading. I do a couple of sections at a time to absorb the information effectively. I'm absolutely crap at drawing the symbols, so no ancient Pharaoh would be able to read my hieroglyphs, but it's super interesting and exciting to learn. Obviously the book is for total beginners, so it teaches you enough to unscramble the meanings of famous stelas and monuments. It would be cool to take it further when I'm done, or even learn it 'officially' if I can find a course.

Last Saturday was a busy, but lovely, day. In the afternoon, I went with Mum and Martin to meet Liam, Ashleigh, and Ethan at the Marlborough Mop. The Mop is a fair in the High Street of Marlborough that started out as a job-seeking fair in 1204. Obviously it's changed a lot from 812 years ago - now it's just a standard semi-rural fair with carnival rides and stalls, but it still attracts lots of visitors. We had a nice time strolling around and watching the rides. I was brave enough to carry Ethan on my shoulders for a while, and it was so cute to listen to him chuckling away as I danced him down the street. Liam took him on a little hot air balloon-themed ride, and Ashleigh showed him the Hall of Mirrors. He seemed to have a good time, and was tottering around everywhere taking in all the sights. Martin won him a ball from the Hook A Duck game, which Ethan was pleased with.

Later on Saturday evening, I went to the reception of Leanne's wedding. I debuted a new lipstick that I got aaaaages ago ('Smother' by Sleek - it's a lovely dark pinky-purple colour, and I fell in love with it instantly), and I actually looked super cute for the first time in forever.

The wedding was adorable. They'd decorated it all in autumn colours - Leanne's bouquet was orange and purple, as were the flowers on the centrepieces. Even the confetti on the tables were red/orange/brown and in the shape of leaves. All of the signs were chalkboards in shabby-chic white frames, and there was a table with pick'n'mix sweets spilling out of teacups and apothecary jars.

Aishah and Natalie also came to the wedding, which was exciting! I hadn't seen either of them for ages (Aishah never has a shift at the same time as me, and Natalie has left to go to university), and it was nice to hang out with them and have a chatter. Here we are with the lovely bride, right before the first dance:

The first dance was lovely. Leanne and Lee smiled and laughed all the way through and looked so happy - Natalie was immediately tearing up, as I predicted. I was laughing because Leanne had discarded her wedding heels and was wearing a little pair of Vans sneakers. Only she could pull that off at her wedding. I took this cute photo of their feet as they danced, because of said sneakers.

They had such great food in the buffet, and a brilliant live band. There was also a photobooth where you could put on props and take silly photos. Aishah, Natalie and I tried this out and took some pretty terrible photos (we kept forgetting to wait for the flash and moving at the last second).

It was a nice evening, and I'm glad I decided to go out. I love weddings anyway, they're always so much fun and a lovely atmosphere. Last Sunday I was useless all day, though, because of how busy the previous day had been.

On Wednesday (skipping far ahead here, because there's not been lots going on besides working and organising) I helped Mum with Ethan as she had tonnes of stuff to get sorted out before her, Martin and Ryan left for Australia. I took him to the park and we took some cute selfies....

He was in a really good mood all day, really giggly and playful. At lunch time, he kept trying to offer his food to Sirius who had come out of his house at the smell of food. Then he was holding the lid of his lunchbox over his face and peeking out around it, playing Peepo with me. Every time I said "Peepo!" or "Boo!" he would laugh so hard. He also laughed every time I even looked at him. It really cheered me up to spend time with him and Mum, it was another busy day but it was nice and put me in a good mood.

I mentioned Australia before. Mum, Martin, Nan and Ryan left on Thursday so I have the house to myself for a month. It's weird and quiet, but I'm quite enjoying feeling like a Real Adult. Continuing my mad organisation skills, I'm drawing up meal plans for the weeks to come. This is also to make sure I eat properly too, can't be going back to the terrible uni diet. Because I'm being organised and being more mindful of everything I do (including eating, hydration and exercise), I have lost 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks. Not much, but it's a start. I'm hoping I can continue steadily losing weight as I get used to my new routine and adding more activity to my schedule. I'm feeling weirdly positive about all of this, I think because I'm a very visual person and having my charts and lists in front of me in order to actually see progress is so helpful.

Today, I tidied and cleaned the house despite being incredibly tired and achy. I'm counting that as a little win too.

Organising Life

I've been feeling terrible for most of this year; not as much as last year, but still enough for it to be affecting me negatively. I've been depressed and increasingly anxious, and the exhaustion that has plagued me for almost three years has exacerbated that, as well as messing with my life in general. I have to be proactive about this, and I'm done lying around and wallowing. I don't know how long this new burst of motivation will last (knowing my track record, not very long), but while it's here I'm going to try to make some new habits, and break some old ones. It already seems to be working and I only really started four days ago.

I took some inspiration from the concept of 'bullet journalling'. Here is a website all about it, from the guy who made the whole thing up. It's apparently taking the world by storm, and people are loving their bullet journals. Basically, your journal becomes a combination of everything - scrapbook, diary, planner, idea jotter, sketchbook, etc. It's an organised but creative way to journal, and some people's creations are absolutely stunning. Check it out on Pinterest to see what I mean! I'm not exactly rigidly following the bullet journal thing, because a) I would get too annoyed if I couldn't get my pages looking how I wanted (which is my main struggle with scrapbooking!), and b) I'm not nearly good enough at art/handwriting to make a gorgeous journal that is also a work of art.

Instead, I've just taken some of the elements of it and started incorporating it into my bog-standard, write-all-your-thoughts-messily-and-maniacally journal. I've mostly borrowed the idea of charting various parts of my life, to track habits and behaviours. I also wrote down a bunch of list subjects and page ideas to add to my journal. I'm practicing drawing nice fonts, which I'm not fabulous at yet, but hope to improve. I already have a weekly desk pad to write a schedule on, so I'm not making any fancy bullet journal week spreads yet. Who knows, though. I might start.

So, my organising bug has manifested in the following ways so far:

• Charts like the one below, which is a 'habit tracker' - you write down things you want to make a habit of (or stop doing) and you colour in every day you've achieved those things. It's good because I'm now more aware of what I'm doing with my time, and actively trying to refrain from continuing bad habits. Next month I may expand on the habits - I'm considering starting bedtime yoga again, as it's good for my achy muscles. My chart may seem like there are a lot of gaps, but (leaving aside the fact that everything up to October 10th isn't filled in, because there's no point trying to remember what you did/felt on previous days) some of the items on there - like my hieroglyphics practice and going for a walk - aren't things I want to do every day. I have to make sure I'm not pushing myself too much, as I have limited energy and mustn't make things harder for myself by becoming exhausted.
  
  

  

  Casual Iwako panda holding the page down for me.

  
  
• I'm also tracking my mood and my symptoms. I find this interesting, as I may be able to spot patterns/potential triggers for any of my conditions. It's also just a good way to see how I'm doing, in general, and remembering that not every day is terrible.
  
  
• A weight-loss tracker (I'm not happy to share my current weight because it gives me the blues), and I think it will be helpful because I have my goals in front of me, and every time I lose a few pounds, I get to colour in a square and actually see what I've achieved, as it's not often noticeable in the mirror until you've lost a lot. I'm also considering a savings tracker, as I have a few things to save for like: my London work experience; going to the Heroes & Villains fest (and meeting Robin!!) in May; and if I ever want a holiday abroad ever again.
  
  
• Writing down all of the things I'd like to learn/study, so that - when I'm done with my beginners' hieroglyphics - I can begin to tackle other things. I think learning is so incredibly important, and continuing to have wonder and curiosity no matter your age is really positive. I'm at my happiest when I learn or experience something new, so I feel like I need to reintroduce learning into my life.
  
  
• Many, many lists on many, many subjects. Just a few examples are: the books I've read in 2016 (which I will probably post here at the end of year); an 'any time' list - basically a to do list, but with items that don't have a particular deadline, just 'as soon as possible', basically; a checklist for my pending blog overhaul; etc. I'm thinking of doing some fun lists too, like my favourite books or fictional characters.
  
  
• Moving away from the journalling thing, I've also been researching M.E. and Fibromyalgia in order to understand more about both conditions (as I still don't have a solid diagnosis, obviously) and how I can help myself to feel better, as well as what kind of treatment options I would have. As far as I can tell, it's mostly a management of symptoms, as there's no cure or magic pill for either of them. Pain management and learning to use your energy more sparingly/efficiently are the keys to living with M.E. or Fibro, and I feel I'm on a more solid foundation now that I've read various papers on the subject.
  
  
• I've also, after being begged by Susie and my mother, got an appointment with the doctor on October 21st, to talk about everything that's been happening with me lately, to expand on the appointment I had in Bath (also to get a bit of clarification), and discuss possible med changes and seek any advice she might have for me.

Weirdly enough, I'm more organised and more productive now that I'm making a conscious effort not to beat myself up if I don't get a day's 'to do' list done. I'm trying to be more mindful, and kinder to myself. I've been so mean to me for so long, I need to start treating myself a bit better. And it's clearly helping, because this week I've noticed that the things I don't get done tend to get done a day or two after, if I don't do it on the day I picked. Obviously things like work, appointments, and deadlines aren't included in this new easygoing attitude, as they're actually fixed and important. It's more like - if I don't do my studying today, I will do it tomorrow, or the day after, and that's okay. I'm liking this way of thinking a lot more. Instead of berating myself for being 'lazy' or 'useless', I'm trying to say 'ok you were tired, you didn't get around to it, you got busy with something else - you can do it when you have more energy, don't worry'.

Doing all of this mad organisation stuff has resulted in a pretty substantial blog post here, which hasn't happened for a while! It also means that I'm remembering to take medication, staying hydrated, reading every day, getting outside for fresh air/exercise, and trying not to nap during the day. I also finally started studying hieroglyphs, so I'm hoping this new ~organised~ me will continue to finish things that I've started. Like my travel scrapbook that I've touched once since I meant to start it in 2014. Or my BLOG OVERHAUL that I've been talking about on here for bloody months. I am, as I type, coming up with a mental checklist (that I'll write in my journal!) of what I need to do for my blog overhaul, and I will do it bits at a time instead of stressing myself trying to do the whole lot in one day. I'm hoping that'll kickstart my drive to finish it. So if things start a look a little weird on here, it's just me messing around with the blog and trying to make it into something that interests me again.

If you got through this whole post, well done and thank you for taking an interest. I'm actually feeling positive about these new things, and I hope I will stick to these new organisational ways and become more productive, less tired, and just happier.

Dead Tired, Part 2

I went to Bath, to attend my appointment at what is probably the poshest hospital I've ever been to. The hospital is a grade-II listed building, and a group tour was being educated on the building's previous uses while they gawked at the lovely architecture, right next to the front door that I had to get through. Which was quite awkward.

The doctor thinks I have features of both M.E. and fibromyalgia. They're both very similar syndromes so it's quite hard to pinpoint which one it could be, or if it's some nightmare combination of the two. I've been offered a place in a support group starting next month, which I highly doubt I can afford to get to for six weeks. So I'm researching help that's a bit closer to home, as well as self-help and just more general information on both of the conditions. I don't really know what my next step will be, I think gathering information is the main priority.

As you can probably tell, there's not a lot to talk about. I've been either working or in an exhausted stupor, but I'm hoping to become a bit more productive soon (this is doubtful, but I can hope).

Susie's Graduation & A Rainy Day In London

Friday was Susie's graduation day in Oxford. I wore a black wrap dress that actually looked really flattering on me, which makes a damn change. Here's Susie and I looking, I have to say, pretty fabulous on the way to campus:

The weather sucked, but I really enjoyed the ceremony. There were some nice speeches, and it was interesting to see it from the audience perspective (it's very different when you're the one graduating - you don't take much in until afterwards because you're too nervy and excited). I'm so proud of Susie getting her BSc in Adult Nursing - this is her second degree, which is just insane, and she's done so well.

Because I'd already gotten a coach ticket for London, and I didn't want it to go to waste, I amended my return ticket and spent the day in the city on Saturday. My first port of call was an Italian gelato shop in Soho that Susie had recommended to me the day before. It's called Gelupo, and I had a little cup of their berry sherbert flavour. It was delicious, so that was a good shout on Susie's part. Also, it looked totally cute.

I must confess that I had a bit of a shopping spree/retail therapy while I was in London. Now it's out of my system and I must begin saving. I went to the ARTBOX store, with it's adorable TofuCute concession, where I got a few bits and pieces and spent ages looking at all the cute stuff. I went to Cyberdog in Camden and I also visited Oxford Street, where I had a browse in the Topshop flagship.

I was going to have dinner in my favourite Wetherspoons, The Lord Moon of the Mall, located near Trafalgar Square and, strangely enough, The Mall (the long road to Buckingham Palace). But it began slapping down with rain, and the place was packed with people escaping the downpour. It didn't look like a table would ever free up, so I braved the rain and went back over to Piccadilly Circus, where I sheltered in an Ed's Diner and had burger and chips. Delicious! I was soaked through and freezing, but feeling pretty good.

Ended up having to wait two hours for my coach, because I couldn't be bothered to do anything else, and took shelter in the Victoria coach station. The journey was annoying because I had a seat kicker (of course - that always happens to me), and someone on there had absolutely horrific body odour. I didn't get home until after midnight, and I'm glad my taxi was at the station when the coach pulled in because there was some drugged-up chav in a balaclava shouting illegibly. I didn't much fancy being stabbed to death. Anyway, here's my little haul from shopping in London:

Shark, rainbow, and space socks; Puccho sweets; milk carton Iwako eraser; a book on Anatomy; strawberry Pocky; fat hamster stickers; Pusheen notebook with my life philosophy on it; a Tofu Cute panda badge.

Not pictured, because they haven't come off me since I got home, are the super comfortable joggers/lounge pants that I got from Topshop. My Batman leggings are pretty worse for wear, so I needed new loungewear (as I do spend about 95% of my life in pyjamas).

I heard from the Rheumatology Hospital in Bath about my maybe-ME. They've given me an appointment in October. I'm surprised at how quickly they got back to me, and how soon the appointment is. I have to fill out a pretty giant questionnaire to take with me, but I'm hoping this is the next step to getting answers and sorting things out.



P.S. Ashleigh accidentally left the freezer unlocked and caught Ethan munching on frozen Yorkshire puddings. Is there anything that child won't eat??

Dead Tired

I've had concerns for some time now that I may be suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, also known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME). My day-to-day life has been increasingly difficult over the last two years or so, and lately I've been feeling worse and worse every day. It's at the point now where popping out to the shops or putting out laundry is physically exhausting. If I'm not at work, 90% of the time I'm in bed. Not even sleeping, just in bed because I'm too tired to do anything. It's affecting my work life negatively too - I had to miss my shift on Saturday, and - when I am at work - I feel that my performance isn't anywhere near 100%. I've been feeling incredibly miserable because of it, and a bit like life isn't really worth it. What kind of life is it when you simply can't do the smallest things?

In the two years since the onset of the particular symptoms that led me to suspect CFS, I have taken any and all medical advice and treatment in order to rule out other possibilities. We've ruled out depression, as I've been depressed for many years and these new symptoms were only a recent manifestation (if 2014 is recent). My thyroid is fine, and - though I've previously suffered from anaemia and low iron - I've recently been treated with iron and my levels are normal again, with no change in exhaustion. My lifestyle now is better than it's ever been: I've cut down on sugar and caffeine; I eat way more fruit and veg than I used to, and eat home-cooked meals every day; I hardly drink alcohol any more and when I do it isn't to excess; I drink at least 1.5 litres of water every day. I've had anti-depressants, SSRIs, benzodiazepines, and CBT. I've tried practicing sleep hygiene, mindfulness, and yoga. Nothing has helped.

I went to the doctor today and told her all about the symptoms, what it has done/is doing to my life, everything I've tried and ruled out, and my own fears about it being CFS. She immediately said she's going to refer me to a CFS specialist; I didn't think I'd be taken too seriously but she was really on board, and I appreciate it so much. I have to have a virology blood screening tomorrow, just as a requirement for the place (doctor's sure nothing will come up, because what virus lasts for two years undetected?), and then she'll send off all of my bloodwork and a letter of referral. Hopefully I'll be hearing from them soon. I feel happier already knowing that I've gotten the ball rolling on either diagnosing me, or ruling out another possibility. I slightly lament the fact that I really should have seen somebody earlier, but I know they're very insistent on ruling out other possibilities before investigating for CFS, so on the other hand I'm glad I've tried other diagnoses and treatment.

***

I'm also planning a major overhaul of this blog. I don't know when it'll happen, but now that I've written it on here I feel obligated to get it done. I'm going to be updating the template and all of my pages, changing colours and fonts, and just generally tweaking it a bunch. I feel like this blog's a bit stale and I need to revamp it. The planning is going quite nicely but we all know that planning and executing are two very different things (especially if you take the word 'execute' literally!).