Two Weeks Later

I've been so focused on being organised and productive that I haven't written a blog for two weeks. I have, however, been keeping some rough notes of what to write here today. I will allow myself to feel okay about not posting - as I said in my previous post, I'm trying to be nicer to myself. I'm doing pretty well with it, and I find I'm feeling a lot calmer for it. This may seem totally obvious to most people, but being a pessimist with zero self-esteem hinders one's ability to be compassionate toward oneself. The way I'm re-calibrating my knee-jerk thoughts of you're rubbish at everything and also useless, is to think about what I would say to a friend who was feeling this way. I would never speak to a friend how I speak to myself, and really... If you can't be your own friend, you tend to get into a vicious cycle of self-blame and punishment. Not productive at all. Anyway, here are the highlights of the past two weeks!

Again in my previous post, I mentioned that I'd finally started to learn hieroglyphics from this book:

I've been trying to look at the book a few times a week, and make notes on what I'm reading. I do a couple of sections at a time to absorb the information effectively. I'm absolutely crap at drawing the symbols, so no ancient Pharaoh would be able to read my hieroglyphs, but it's super interesting and exciting to learn. Obviously the book is for total beginners, so it teaches you enough to unscramble the meanings of famous stelas and monuments. It would be cool to take it further when I'm done, or even learn it 'officially' if I can find a course.

Last Saturday was a busy, but lovely, day. In the afternoon, I went with Mum and Martin to meet Liam, Ashleigh, and Ethan at the Marlborough Mop. The Mop is a fair in the High Street of Marlborough that started out as a job-seeking fair in 1204. Obviously it's changed a lot from 812 years ago - now it's just a standard semi-rural fair with carnival rides and stalls, but it still attracts lots of visitors. We had a nice time strolling around and watching the rides. I was brave enough to carry Ethan on my shoulders for a while, and it was so cute to listen to him chuckling away as I danced him down the street. Liam took him on a little hot air balloon-themed ride, and Ashleigh showed him the Hall of Mirrors. He seemed to have a good time, and was tottering around everywhere taking in all the sights. Martin won him a ball from the Hook A Duck game, which Ethan was pleased with.

Later on Saturday evening, I went to the reception of Leanne's wedding. I debuted a new lipstick that I got aaaaages ago ('Smother' by Sleek - it's a lovely dark pinky-purple colour, and I fell in love with it instantly), and I actually looked super cute for the first time in forever.

The wedding was adorable. They'd decorated it all in autumn colours - Leanne's bouquet was orange and purple, as were the flowers on the centrepieces. Even the confetti on the tables were red/orange/brown and in the shape of leaves. All of the signs were chalkboards in shabby-chic white frames, and there was a table with pick'n'mix sweets spilling out of teacups and apothecary jars.

Aishah and Natalie also came to the wedding, which was exciting! I hadn't seen either of them for ages (Aishah never has a shift at the same time as me, and Natalie has left to go to university), and it was nice to hang out with them and have a chatter. Here we are with the lovely bride, right before the first dance:

The first dance was lovely. Leanne and Lee smiled and laughed all the way through and looked so happy - Natalie was immediately tearing up, as I predicted. I was laughing because Leanne had discarded her wedding heels and was wearing a little pair of Vans sneakers. Only she could pull that off at her wedding. I took this cute photo of their feet as they danced, because of said sneakers.

They had such great food in the buffet, and a brilliant live band. There was also a photobooth where you could put on props and take silly photos. Aishah, Natalie and I tried this out and took some pretty terrible photos (we kept forgetting to wait for the flash and moving at the last second).

It was a nice evening, and I'm glad I decided to go out. I love weddings anyway, they're always so much fun and a lovely atmosphere. Last Sunday I was useless all day, though, because of how busy the previous day had been.

On Wednesday (skipping far ahead here, because there's not been lots going on besides working and organising) I helped Mum with Ethan as she had tonnes of stuff to get sorted out before her, Martin and Ryan left for Australia. I took him to the park and we took some cute selfies....

He was in a really good mood all day, really giggly and playful. At lunch time, he kept trying to offer his food to Sirius who had come out of his house at the smell of food. Then he was holding the lid of his lunchbox over his face and peeking out around it, playing Peepo with me. Every time I said "Peepo!" or "Boo!" he would laugh so hard. He also laughed every time I even looked at him. It really cheered me up to spend time with him and Mum, it was another busy day but it was nice and put me in a good mood.

I mentioned Australia before. Mum, Martin, Nan and Ryan left on Thursday so I have the house to myself for a month. It's weird and quiet, but I'm quite enjoying feeling like a Real Adult. Continuing my mad organisation skills, I'm drawing up meal plans for the weeks to come. This is also to make sure I eat properly too, can't be going back to the terrible uni diet. Because I'm being organised and being more mindful of everything I do (including eating, hydration and exercise), I have lost 4 pounds in the last couple of weeks. Not much, but it's a start. I'm hoping I can continue steadily losing weight as I get used to my new routine and adding more activity to my schedule. I'm feeling weirdly positive about all of this, I think because I'm a very visual person and having my charts and lists in front of me in order to actually see progress is so helpful.

Today, I tidied and cleaned the house despite being incredibly tired and achy. I'm counting that as a little win too.

Organising Life

I've been feeling terrible for most of this year; not as much as last year, but still enough for it to be affecting me negatively. I've been depressed and increasingly anxious, and the exhaustion that has plagued me for almost three years has exacerbated that, as well as messing with my life in general. I have to be proactive about this, and I'm done lying around and wallowing. I don't know how long this new burst of motivation will last (knowing my track record, not very long), but while it's here I'm going to try to make some new habits, and break some old ones. It already seems to be working and I only really started four days ago.

I took some inspiration from the concept of 'bullet journalling'. Here is a website all about it, from the guy who made the whole thing up. It's apparently taking the world by storm, and people are loving their bullet journals. Basically, your journal becomes a combination of everything - scrapbook, diary, planner, idea jotter, sketchbook, etc. It's an organised but creative way to journal, and some people's creations are absolutely stunning. Check it out on Pinterest to see what I mean! I'm not exactly rigidly following the bullet journal thing, because a) I would get too annoyed if I couldn't get my pages looking how I wanted (which is my main struggle with scrapbooking!), and b) I'm not nearly good enough at art/handwriting to make a gorgeous journal that is also a work of art.

Instead, I've just taken some of the elements of it and started incorporating it into my bog-standard, write-all-your-thoughts-messily-and-maniacally journal. I've mostly borrowed the idea of charting various parts of my life, to track habits and behaviours. I also wrote down a bunch of list subjects and page ideas to add to my journal. I'm practicing drawing nice fonts, which I'm not fabulous at yet, but hope to improve. I already have a weekly desk pad to write a schedule on, so I'm not making any fancy bullet journal week spreads yet. Who knows, though. I might start.

So, my organising bug has manifested in the following ways so far:

• Charts like the one below, which is a 'habit tracker' - you write down things you want to make a habit of (or stop doing) and you colour in every day you've achieved those things. It's good because I'm now more aware of what I'm doing with my time, and actively trying to refrain from continuing bad habits. Next month I may expand on the habits - I'm considering starting bedtime yoga again, as it's good for my achy muscles. My chart may seem like there are a lot of gaps, but (leaving aside the fact that everything up to October 10th isn't filled in, because there's no point trying to remember what you did/felt on previous days) some of the items on there - like my hieroglyphics practice and going for a walk - aren't things I want to do every day. I have to make sure I'm not pushing myself too much, as I have limited energy and mustn't make things harder for myself by becoming exhausted.
  
  

  

  Casual Iwako panda holding the page down for me.

  
  
• I'm also tracking my mood and my symptoms. I find this interesting, as I may be able to spot patterns/potential triggers for any of my conditions. It's also just a good way to see how I'm doing, in general, and remembering that not every day is terrible.
  
  
• A weight-loss tracker (I'm not happy to share my current weight because it gives me the blues), and I think it will be helpful because I have my goals in front of me, and every time I lose a few pounds, I get to colour in a square and actually see what I've achieved, as it's not often noticeable in the mirror until you've lost a lot. I'm also considering a savings tracker, as I have a few things to save for like: my London work experience; going to the Heroes & Villains fest (and meeting Robin!!) in May; and if I ever want a holiday abroad ever again.
  
  
• Writing down all of the things I'd like to learn/study, so that - when I'm done with my beginners' hieroglyphics - I can begin to tackle other things. I think learning is so incredibly important, and continuing to have wonder and curiosity no matter your age is really positive. I'm at my happiest when I learn or experience something new, so I feel like I need to reintroduce learning into my life.
  
  
• Many, many lists on many, many subjects. Just a few examples are: the books I've read in 2016 (which I will probably post here at the end of year); an 'any time' list - basically a to do list, but with items that don't have a particular deadline, just 'as soon as possible', basically; a checklist for my pending blog overhaul; etc. I'm thinking of doing some fun lists too, like my favourite books or fictional characters.
  
  
• Moving away from the journalling thing, I've also been researching M.E. and Fibromyalgia in order to understand more about both conditions (as I still don't have a solid diagnosis, obviously) and how I can help myself to feel better, as well as what kind of treatment options I would have. As far as I can tell, it's mostly a management of symptoms, as there's no cure or magic pill for either of them. Pain management and learning to use your energy more sparingly/efficiently are the keys to living with M.E. or Fibro, and I feel I'm on a more solid foundation now that I've read various papers on the subject.
  
  
• I've also, after being begged by Susie and my mother, got an appointment with the doctor on October 21st, to talk about everything that's been happening with me lately, to expand on the appointment I had in Bath (also to get a bit of clarification), and discuss possible med changes and seek any advice she might have for me.

Weirdly enough, I'm more organised and more productive now that I'm making a conscious effort not to beat myself up if I don't get a day's 'to do' list done. I'm trying to be more mindful, and kinder to myself. I've been so mean to me for so long, I need to start treating myself a bit better. And it's clearly helping, because this week I've noticed that the things I don't get done tend to get done a day or two after, if I don't do it on the day I picked. Obviously things like work, appointments, and deadlines aren't included in this new easygoing attitude, as they're actually fixed and important. It's more like - if I don't do my studying today, I will do it tomorrow, or the day after, and that's okay. I'm liking this way of thinking a lot more. Instead of berating myself for being 'lazy' or 'useless', I'm trying to say 'ok you were tired, you didn't get around to it, you got busy with something else - you can do it when you have more energy, don't worry'.

Doing all of this mad organisation stuff has resulted in a pretty substantial blog post here, which hasn't happened for a while! It also means that I'm remembering to take medication, staying hydrated, reading every day, getting outside for fresh air/exercise, and trying not to nap during the day. I also finally started studying hieroglyphs, so I'm hoping this new ~organised~ me will continue to finish things that I've started. Like my travel scrapbook that I've touched once since I meant to start it in 2014. Or my BLOG OVERHAUL that I've been talking about on here for bloody months. I am, as I type, coming up with a mental checklist (that I'll write in my journal!) of what I need to do for my blog overhaul, and I will do it bits at a time instead of stressing myself trying to do the whole lot in one day. I'm hoping that'll kickstart my drive to finish it. So if things start a look a little weird on here, it's just me messing around with the blog and trying to make it into something that interests me again.

If you got through this whole post, well done and thank you for taking an interest. I'm actually feeling positive about these new things, and I hope I will stick to these new organisational ways and become more productive, less tired, and just happier.

Dead Tired, Part 2

I went to Bath, to attend my appointment at what is probably the poshest hospital I've ever been to. The hospital is a grade-II listed building, and a group tour was being educated on the building's previous uses while they gawked at the lovely architecture, right next to the front door that I had to get through. Which was quite awkward.

The doctor thinks I have features of both M.E. and fibromyalgia. They're both very similar syndromes so it's quite hard to pinpoint which one it could be, or if it's some nightmare combination of the two. I've been offered a place in a support group starting next month, which I highly doubt I can afford to get to for six weeks. So I'm researching help that's a bit closer to home, as well as self-help and just more general information on both of the conditions. I don't really know what my next step will be, I think gathering information is the main priority.

As you can probably tell, there's not a lot to talk about. I've been either working or in an exhausted stupor, but I'm hoping to become a bit more productive soon (this is doubtful, but I can hope).