Back To It - Mental Health Update

Depression sucks the life out of you. It makes you a sluggish, disinterested shell of your usual self. Everyday tasks seem monumental. All of the self-help advice tells you to exercise and pick up a hobby and take care of yourself. That's easier said than done. Personally, my depression is exacerbated by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome; being fatigued makes me depressed, and depression makes the fatigue worse. It's hard to break out of a cycle like that. I also have chronic pain in my knees, which of course can make depression even worse. It's no wonder I've been struggling.

I fully admit that a lot of my current bout of depression is circumstantial. I can't afford to travel or do anything interesting that I like. I'm in financial dire straits, due to a sudden bank account change that blindsided me, and the fact that I can't find a decent job. I don't have much of a social life or any plans to look forward to. I don't like where I live, or that I'm 25 and still living at home. I'm unhappy with my weight and the way I look. I'm just generally dissatisfied with my life, and I know that a lot of my depression will be eased if even one of these things change. I don't say this to make people feel sorry for me; I'm acknowledging that there are a lot of external factors to the depression and a lot of things that are, currently, out of my control.

Recently - in the last couple of months or so - I've been slowly adding one thing at a time to my own self care. I simply can't get out of this if I refuse to work on it, as hard as that is. I'm working on things that I can control, in the hopes that I can get to a place where I can then tackle the bigger things, or at least cope with them.

Being Nicer To Myself

The first, and most important thing. My family and friends all tell me that I'm a perfectionist, that I'm too hard on myself. They're right. I would never speak to a friend the way I speak to myself, especially a friend who is unwell like I am. It's hard to change the way your inner voice speaks to you, but I'm trying to stop myself when I start getting into circular thinking. Instead, I try to say "Today isn't a good day - just rest up, and you can try again tomorrow." Cutting myself some slack is helping me feel less panicky. I'm also working on walking away from stressful things, where possible, and coming back to them when I'm calmer and my head is clearer.

Moving

Specifically, moving more. I'm so frightened by the thought of being in a swimsuit (and I can't afford to use the pools) that I can't go back to swimming, so this has mostly been in the form of walking. I naturally walk really quickly, so I tend to cover a lot of ground and burn more than you would think. I only do 3 miles maximum, though, because my knees become very painful if I push it too much. I'm lucky to have a lot of pretty places to walk, away from the streets and with gentler ground, near where I live. I'm also trying to work on my posture - I am a criminal sloucher. Better posture burns more calories and works the teeny tiny muscles in your core, which can help with pain too.

Eating

Eating less, that is. Not starving myself, of course. Losing weight slowly is the only way to keep it sustainable if you like food. I'm not depriving myself of the things I enjoy, like ice cream or pizza, but I'm making room for them. Somehow, my appetite has recently clicked. For a while, I had NO appetite at all, and then I went through a phase of wanting to eat everything, all the time. Now my appetite seems dampened, but only enough for me to not overeat or snack on things. Which is a winner, proven by the fact that I've lost around 10lbs in the last ~6 weeks.

Hydration

I am a Hydration Bore. I always tell people off for not drinking enough, and usually if someone complains of a headache or tiredness, I admonishingly state, "You're dehydrated, drink something NOW." For a while recently, I wasn't practicing what I preached. I stopped making sure I was drinking enough. This is something I'm pleased to have gotten back to. My body feels more refreshed now that I'm drinking enough again. I try to get about 2 litres of liquid a day, half of which has to be plain water.

Productivity

Put simply, I'm trying to get shit done. I practiced German every day (using the fabulous Duolingo), but then I stopped for a long time. Now, I've logged 175 days in a row since I got back to doing it. It's something small, quick, and simple but it was good to get back to. I'm also trying to write regularly - even if it's not blogging or anything particularly 'important', I want to get back to my best.

I'm also attempting to continue my hieroglyph study, another casualty of this depressive episode, and I've organised all the things for my travel scrapbook that I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to do since 2014 - I have so much I need to put in there. I'm reading a lot more, and I'm trying to find some interesting recipes to maybe start baking regularly. I'm trying to get back to being me again. I want to go back to enjoying my hobbies and being interested in stuff.

I've been going out with my Mum and little nephew Ethan quite often - she has him 4 days a week as his parents work, and going out with them is always fun and strenuous in the best way. He's also a little, gorgeous ray of sunshine, so it's really good for my mood to be around him.

Routine

One of the most important, and most difficult ways to make yourself feel better. Because I'm currently signed off of work, I have a lot of time on my hands. Without a routine, things can go very bad, very quickly. I'm trying to get up at the same time every morning (or earlier), and attempt to avoid late nights as much as I can. I haven't quite gotten the late night thing down - it's a work in progress. My sleeping isn't amazing at the moment, but I'm persevering, despite the constant fatigue and restless nights. I'm hoping to build a more solid routine as time goes on, hopefully preparing me for when I go back to work.

Meds & Counselling

I'm being really good about keeping up with my new medication. I have an alarm on my phone because I'm horribly forgetful, and that's helped a lot in keeping up my medication regime. My dose was recently upped a bit, so we're still in the process of figuring out how good this is for me. We'll see how it goes. I'm also seeing a counsellor (not as often as I'd like, but resources are slim if you don't have loads of money). It's nice to have somebody external to talk to and to bounce ideas off of, who won't worry about it or take it home with them. I will keep on with these treatments and be open to new ideas and changes. I so want to get better, and I feel the meds and counselling are currently a crucial part of that.

~

The process of 'getting better', or at least getting some normality back, is an uphill struggle. I still have bad days, when I just stay in bed and sleep all day, or waste time doing nothing productive. But I feel pleased with myself all the same - a lot of that comes from remembering to congratulate myself for getting things done, no matter how small. I also need to have patience, which is hard for me. I'm impatient by nature, and don't like that it takes time and perseverance to get better. It's the hardest part of this whole process to accept. I'm lucky enough to have a really supportive and understanding family, who are helping me however they can.

I think I might be able to do this this time, because I've made the breakthrough of understanding that I have to take the time to be completely well and in control, before I can think of the next thing to fix (namely, getting a job/career started, and hopefully the rest will follow).

Do you suffer with depression/low motivation? How do you take care of yourself? Do you have any go-to ways to make yourself feel better or more motivated?